


Inside My Head

by my_soul_is_fire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, After Darkness, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Anxiety, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, No Smut, Plot Twist, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4757681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_soul_is_fire/pseuds/my_soul_is_fire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'What if your whole life was a lie?'</p><p>Nothing Dean lived was real, but he doesn't know it yet. For the moment, he, Sam and Cas are too busy finding a way to fight the Darkness that invaded the Earth. When they finally get out of the bunker and the dusty books, Dean starts to think things may get better one day, that maybe it's time to free the words that were left unsaid for too many years. But if there's one thing he knows too well, it's that hope is a vicious, dangerous thing and fate is always waiting somewhere, hiding in the dark...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cold Coffee & Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my new fiction, and it was quite a big project for me! I hope some of you will like it!  
> Tell me what you think about! :)

 

_What if your whole life was a lie?_

 

What if everything that surrounds you isn't real? What if all the things you think you've lived were just entirely made by your imagination? That absolutely **nothing** you thought was real, really is. The people you've met, the places you've seen, the things you've felt...

Just _think of it_ , for a minute.

Some say our dreams are connected to the things that happen to us, every single day. That our minds create their own versions of our lives, playing with us like puppets. That they pick small pieces of what we did, what we said, what we thought, and build a new, small universe that falls down after the night.

Some of our dreams feel so real we wake up confused and lost, sometimes ashamed, and not really sure if we lived or imagined it. We spend the whole day thinking about it, remembering all the things that make us think it could be real.

Our minds can make our deepest and darkest fantasies come true, filling the empty spaces of our lives. Is it a lack of love or attention? A broken heart, or even a soul burning for someone we can't have? Now it's gone! During your dream, everything becomes what you've always wished for. You wake up with a peaceful smile, leaving with regret the warm abysses of your imagination.

 

But if our brain can create soft and soothing pictures of a better life, can't it do the same in a dark way?

Those nightmares that make you wake up terrified and shaking? The feeling of cold and pain running through your whole body, your heart beating so fast you think it'll leave your chest, and your limbs paralysed by fear? The vision of your death, or worse, the death of the ones you care the most about?

What if your mind, dangerous and sadistic creature, took all your fears to make them a million times worse? All the things that could scare you or cause you pain, the things that hurted you and that you still remember years after?

Your fear of dark? Here the darkness is your whole life, filling your body and making you suffocate. All the angst, all the sorrow, all the ache become terrifying monsters hiding in the streets, ready to jump on you at any moment.

The fear of losing the ones you love the most makes you unable to be with them... You can try to reach for them and say the words that burn your throat, but you'll never can.

 

Your mind controls you. And when the night falls on the city and the stars are the only light in the dark-blue skies, you're all alone. Your tired eyes are burning, your eyelids are heavy as stones and your heart is beating slower. Once you're asleep, you're not you anymore.

 

Your mind controls you and you can't do **anything** about it. You can only prepare yourself to face your darkest fears.

You cannot run away from this labyrinth. Because there's no escape, no open door. You don't even realize it's not the reality.

 

You just have to wait for the end. And you'll beg, _yeah_ you will beg for the morning to come, beg for the light to save your soul, beg for the pain to stop.

 

Until you wake up.

 

And it's exactly what Dean Winchester is about to do.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

**October 29th**

 

It's strange because in this period of the year, the streets should be all gloomy and dead, but autumn has never been more beautiful and bright.

Everything's painted with intense and warm colors. Trees are slowly pushed by a fresh breeze, shaking their red and yellow leaves that fall on the ground without a noise, covering all the places like a bloody carpet.

The coffee shops are full and everytime a door is opened, you cannot escape the delicious smell of hot chocolate and cinnamon coming out of them. People meet their families and friends, hug each other while laughing. Children are chatting, barely breathing, with excited voices about Halloween.

Huge pumpkins decorate the shops' windows, as well with spiders and other witches.

Streets are illuminated by small lightbulbs hanging above the crowd. Kids are running in the avenues, jumping to try to reach them. They are followed by their parents holding hands, looking peaceful and happy. Everything about the atmosphere is soft and soothing and all your problems seem to disappear the minute you breathe it.

 

Except for one person.

 

Dean lets a sigh escape. He observes for a second the people around him. All this happiness makes him want to throw up, mostly when he sees all these people walking with big smiles, while the Darkness was still somewhere free on Earth. It was all he could think about for now, even if he wishes his thoughts could be a bit softer for a moment.

He rubs his arm without thinking, where the Mark was. He is still pretty exhausted, even if it's been months since he felt the Darkness inside him. But it doesn't mean he and Sam stopped being hunters and went for a little nap.

 _Nah_ , like the monsters weren't enough, they have now to search all they can find about the Mark and what was inside. And for the moment, they find nothing. Not even a small piece that could help them fighting it. _Nada._

 

It's been weeks since the last time they went out of the bunker for something other than getting food. The others hunters were busy everywhere, like the Darkness aroused something in the monsters that turned them all crazy.

They had to stay the head in books for weeks and Dean felt like a lion in cage. He needed fresh air and adrenalin running through his veins, not dusty and smelly papers. He'd rather been hunting and beheading some vampires right now than spend one more minute doing the nerd. Sam could handle that. Not him.

 

Still, he couldn't leave his brother and Cas alone while he was getting drunk in bars and visiting the nearest strip clubs. After what he did under the control of the Mark, he better keeps his mouth shut. So he helped them the best he could, doing some research on his laptop.

But all of this crap was on his nerves now and everytime someone was trying to talk to him, he just answered by shouting a nice _Shut up!_   to their faces. Not a surprise if neither Cas nor Sam tried to speak to him after.

 

Finally, after a few more days of searching in vain (and Dean getting more horrible than ever), Sam came to him and started talking before Dean could even open his mouth.

 

\- _We should go outside, you know just to breathe for a while, or I think you'll explode soon. What do you think about get some coffee and go to a park or something like that?_

 

\- _Yeah and then we could braid your hair and pick some flowers, uh?_

 

Sam rolls his eyes and sighs.

 

\- _Dean please, don't say it's a bad idea. It would be for the better for us, no?_

 

Dean looks at him for a few more seconds then finally says:

 

\- _Maybe, I dunno'. Do what you want._

 

And he goes back to the computer. Sam sighs one more time and passes a hand in his hair.

 

- _Ok, then prepare yourself, I'm gonna tell Cas and see if he wants to go with us_.

 

Dean shrugs his shoulders but says nothing. Actually, he'd appreciate the angel's company but once again, he will not say a thing because he'll not like Sam's stupid little smile, the one that makes him want to punch his brother in the face.

 

Ten minutes later, they were in the Impala, Sam driving, Dean next to him and Castiel on the backseat.

 

Since the accident when the Mark was at its strongest and Castiel almost died because of it, the bond between the two friends was thinner than ever. They barely spoke since, and every minute they spent alone with each other was nothing but an awkward silence.

Dean truly misses their friendship. He wishes he could change the past but well, it's impossible. And even if he wants everything to go back like it was, he knows deep down the angel will never forgive him for what he has done.

 

A sudden wave of sadness grows inside him, making him repress a sob. He hates being so emotional and weak but he can't help it. He stares blankly at the road by the window. He was trying to hide how he felt, like he always do, or he knows his brother will try to talk about his "feelings", or whatever he calls it.

 

Unfortunately for him, his sob wasn't that repressed. Sam has turned his head to look at him.

 

\- _Hey Dean, are you ok?_  he asks.

 

The older brother jumps on his seat even if Sam's voice was soft.

 

\- _Why are you asking this?!_ he finally answers, raising an eyebrow.

 

- _I don't know, you look-_

 

\- _Nevermind, you know what? I don't care._

 

The green eyed hunter looks back at the window and sees in the corner of his eye his brother turning to the backseat and giving a look at the angel, who was as silent as if he wasn't there.

 

A few minutes that felt like a lifetime after, Sam parks the car in front of a coffee shop. Dean raises his head and winces when he sees its name, written in dark green.

 

\- _Starbucks? Seriously?_

 

\- _Just... don't come if you don't want to..,_ Sam says, having a desperate gaze to his brother. (Is it a crime when someone kills his brother if this one is acting like a little shit everytime he opens his mouth?)

 

\- _Nah, I'm comin' with you._

 

They get out of the car and the fresh air hits the Winchesters, making them shudder. They cross the road and enter the shop as fast as they can, soon followed by the angel. A sudden heat surprises them. The air is thick and each breath Dean takes has a horrible smell of sugar. They get in the line, behind about ten persons.

 

\- _G_ _od, this is gonna take forever-_

 

Dean closes his mouth when Sam gives him a look that totally says _Shut the_ _hell_ _up or I'll kill you, people watching or not_.

 

So he just waits and looks around him. Some girls chat about the last episode of their favorite show with high pitched voices, surrounded by dozens of bags probably full of expensive clothes. Families talk with each other with small cups of tea in front of them. A young couple stares at each other with stupid smiles on their faces and their hands like tied together, as their drinks are getting cold.

Dean turns around to see Castiel looking at them too, with a small smile. When the angel feels the hunter's eyes on him, he turns and his previous smile fades away, as a sudden emotion paints his face: it lasts less than a second but even Dean can see the sorrow mixed with pain in his blue irises.

The hunter swallows with difficulty, and his heart aches. He lowers his head as he turns around again and swings awkwardly on his feet.

 

After what seems an eternity, a voice makes him raise his head.

\- _Good afternoon, what would you like?_

 

A young woman looks at them, her pale blonde hair falling on both sides of her head, and dark circles under her brown eyes. She looked exhausted and is waiting for their answer, while biting her bottom lip nervously.

 

\- _Hmm, a coffee with milk for me,_ says Sam with a kind smile to the girl.

 

\- _A simple black coffee, please_ , answers Dean, trying to make his voice as gentle as possible, even if he sounds like a sarcastic asshole in the end.

 

The brothers both turn around to ask the angel, who points at something above the girl's head. Her eyes follow Cas' finger to see what he's showing.

 

\- _A pumpkin spice latte? Sure!_

 

\- _Thank you_ , replies the angel and his voice is the softest sound any human has ever heard.

 

Dean was about to laugh and say something like ' _Really? It's a chick's drink!'_ when he sees her. The girl has a beautiful grin for the first time, like Cas has illuminated her day just by speaking.

The hunter is left speechless, because he never really saw the power of Cas' simple presence on people.

 

Great, 'cause now he feels like the biggest cunt ever.

 

About five minutes later, the blonde comes back with three white cups, whistling cheerfully.

 

\- _Here for your drinks! Have a nice day_!

 

\- _You too!_ says Castiel, still smiling.

 

And _oh fuck_ , how Dean hates this smile. How beautiful it is, and yet he thought he'll never see it again in his life. He fucking hates the small sparkles illuminating his blue-like-a-summer-sky eyes. He hates the happiness he sees on the girl's face. No, he's not jealous. Just... he missed it, that's all.

 

\- _Can we go now?_ he says with a bit too much anger piercing in his voice.

 

His brother and Cas say goodbye and turn around at the same time. Castiel still has the ghost of that umbelievable smile on his face.

 

\- _I know there's a park near, we could walk to it?_   Sam says.

Dean grumbles like an angry old man, but Castiel nods happily.

 

They start walking, trying to find a way among the crowd as the streets are full. On the main place, small chalets are used as shops. As they walk by, Dean can smell the cakes baking, see the flames of little candles slowly dancing in the wind and the bright colors of some scarves made of silk. It feels more like Christmas, but people seem to like it anyway

Sam looks everywhere, approaches time to time a shop, takes a sip of his coffee. After a few moments, he touches Dean's arm and tells him to wait for him.

He comes back with a little bag full of biscuits, a big grin on his tired face. Wind messed up his hair and Dean tries not to laugh. He feels a soft warmth in his heart, just by looking at his brother, and for a moment it's like all their worries were gone and life was normal even for them. Maybe the atmosphere didn't work only on the innocent people Dean laughed about before. He can't help but smile back to his brother, and the thought of Sam being happy, even for a short moment, made his day brighter.

 

Dean opens his mouth to say something but Sam was already gone.

 

He searches for Castiel in the crowd, and starts worrying when he doesn't find him. But then, a few steps later, he finally sees his too famous trenchcoat. He was about to call his name but his words stop at the edge of his lips.

The angel is standing. He observes a young woman who plays violin. She has her eyelids and lips closed, like haunted by the music coming out of the piece of wood. The lightbulbs above Cas illuminate his head, making a golden halo around it. The lights are reflecting in his clear eyes, shining as two pale pearls in the late afternoon. He holds his cup carefully with two hands, like he's afraid of dropping it. The wind moves some dark hair on his forehead.

There's a little crowd around the girl, but the only thing Dean can see is **him**. After all these years, he get used to his presence everyday, but in this moment, it's like he really sees him for the first time. And he realises how inhuman Cas looks.

Dean always jokes at how awkward the angel can be sometimes, but right now, he is simply celestial. When the people surrounding him look all the same, Cas is the brightest star among them. From where the hunter is, he can see some people discreetly gazing at him, and a woman even gets closer to Castiel.

 

Dean presses his lips, takes a breath and walks to him. The violonist starts a new music.

He quietly stands behind the angel, who doesn't seem to feel his presence. He's so close Dean can smell the fresh scent of his hair.

 

Dean was never a big fan of classical, he liked the music that moved his body and doesn't make him think too much. But this, that was incredible.

The sounds coming out of the violon flew in the cold air, wrapping silky fingers around his soul. It started slowly, tenderly with small notes and then suddenly it was violent and painful, like a heart aching, bleeding. The girl's body is shaking to the rythm of her emotions and her lips are pressed so tight together they turned white. Dean could almost think she was possessed, and well, maybe she's. He wouldn't be surprised because it was too beautiful to be human. It feels like the stories that couldn't come out as words were told by her music.

The hunter could feel tears coming to his eyes at the end, but blinks to make them go away before anyone could see them. Just by hearing the music, all the feelings he kept inside him wanted to escape, all at once.

 

Finally, she ends. The crowd has a minute of silence and some deep breaths can be heard. Then, they start clapping their hands, filling the void of the afternoon. The violonist has a beautiful smile, looking proud, and bows.

Dean was so fascinated he totally forgot about the dark haired angel. Until this one turns back and ends up with his face against the hunter's chest. An awkward silence follows until Cas steps backwards slowly, muttering appologies.

Before Dean could answer something, Sam is back.

 

\- _What have I missed?_ he says, still looking happier than ever.

 

\- _Nothin', just this girl_ , says Dean pointing at the violonist who was talking to a few persons, _she was totally sick_.

 

\- _Yes, that's true. She was incredible_.

 

Dean turns his head to look at the angel. _Dear_ , how he missed his soft and deep voice, echoing in his head every damn sleepless night.

 

\- _Well, if she can make Dean listen to classical, she must be talented!_ answers Sam, looking at his brother and thinking that the music probably wasn't the only thing that made Dean stay.

 

They start walking again. This time, Dean looks at everything that is around him, from the small families with their children hugging their new toy against their hearts to the couples walking slowly, holding hands.

He thinks about all the things he could never have because of the damn fate, and who he was. Sam was his only family, the only one he could ever hope to have.

 

Now, he can't help but look at Cas' hand, so close to his they touch from time to time.

 

 _What the hell is happening to him!?_   Well, he was totally aware of his feelings towards his friend, or at least he thought he was. They were taking a biggest place in his heart every day, and were now totally out of his control.

 

They finally see the park, and sit on a bench. Depite the crowd outside, it was almost empty, and leaves were pushed on the floor by a wind more and more violent. The atmosphere isn't as heavy as before, while they start talking about a bit of everything, and even Cas participate.

Sam and Dean are taking sips of their drinks, while Castiel looks at his own with a confused face.

He finally takes the cup to his face and touches the whipped cream with his lips. After a few seconds of thinking, he finally says:

 

\- _I think I may feel something._

 

The brothers turn their heads to look at him and Dean literally explodes.

He starts laughing so hard, like a real laugh that resonates in the whole garden. Some of the people walking by them give him a weird look. His stomach hurts so hard he ends up holding it with his two arms. The tears he held back escape and roll on his cheeks.

When he finally stops, he wipes his face with his sleeve.

 

\- _What's so funny?_   asks Castiel, frowning and looking at the hunter.

 

\- _That's just you have... this... all over your face_ , says Dean, making circles with his hand around Cas' face, his body still shaking while he's laughing silently like an idiot.

 

Castiel, Angel of the Lord and warrior of God, looks now like a puppy that put his face in a bowl of whipped cream by accident, ending with some even on the tip of his nose.

Dean reaches to him to remove the cream from his friend's face, but when his fingers touch the warm skin, he stops and is suddenly very silent. For the first time in a while, they don't avoid the other's look. It becomes an intense soul-staring, as they are diving into each other's eyes, searching for answers like they used to do before.

Sam clears his throat, suddenly feeling like the awkward third wheel. He gets up and slaps his brother's shoulder. Dean lowers suddenly his hand like Cas' skin burned it.

 

\- _Gonna throw this away, ok?_  he says, pointing at his cup.

 

His brother tries to protest, opening and closing his mouth without any word coming out of it, but Sam is already walking fast to get away from them.

Dean sighs and turns to see Cas, who cleaned his face with the sleeve of his trenchcoat. He now takes careful sips of his beverage. Dean takes a deep breath.

 

\- _Cas?_

 

The angel looks surprised to hear his own name and raises his head suddenly. After a second of hesitation, he dives back into Dean's eyes.

 

\- _Yes?_

 

 _Man_ , the hunter never felt so awkward in his whole life. The deep blue eyes fixed on him make him feel like a little child, suddenly unable to talk. He shouldn't. After all, Cas was just a friend. And there was not reason he'd feel awkward about talking to him. Like, he has nothing to hide from him. Right?

 

\- _I wanted to apologize._

 

Castiel frowns and tilts his head on the side, like he always does when he's confused. He waits for an answer. Dean takes a deep breath and suddenly the words flow like a freakin' river out of his mouth, and he can't control them anymore.

 

\- _About everything... I know we didn't talk much these past months and...uh... I kind_ _a_ _missed that... and._ _..._ _I know you'll never forgive me for what I've done. I won't myself. But if... we could just stop avoiding each other..._

 

The hunter gives the angel a small look, but no emotion can be seen on his face. Dean sighs and takes a moment before he continues.

 

\- _Man.. you're the closest thing I've ever had after Sam_ _my_ _and you're the only person that is still standing by me._ _Everyday, I'm thinking_ _'_ I really fucked up everything once again _'. You're the only friend I've ever had_ _and_ _I'd trust you with my life._ _All of this crap in my life... it ruined it all. And..._

 

Dean bites his lips. With the angel still silent, it's seriously embarassing. The hunter is not used to open his heart, and can't even look at Castiel anymore.

 

- _I need you,_ _ok?_ _I think you already_ _know that, but still. I understand if you don't want me around anymore. Everything I touch... It's like I'm cursed, Cas! No matter what I do, it always ends up bad for everyone.You can be angry against me for the rest of your life, and want to hurt me, or even kill me! But... I don't want you to leave... Do you know how important you are to us... to me?_

 

**_Note to self: never do that again_.**

Holy crap, that was the worst thing he has ever done. Now that his mouth is dry and his voice breaking, he can't do anything but play with his goblet, watching the cold coffee breaking like small waves on the plastic. Cas is probably thinking Dean is more dumb than he actually thought.

The hunter gets up suddenly, holding the cup so hard his knuckles are white, and wait? His hands are slightly shaking!? If talking about your feelings was like that, then no thanks, he can perfectly live without doing it!

Then suddenly, he feels Cas' hand on his shoulder, forcing him to face him. Eyes still staring at the ground, Dean turns, expecting Castiel to punch him right in the face or give him the best glower he can do.

 

But the last thing Dean could think was that Cas would basically throw himself in his arms. The angel's fingers are gripping the hunter's jacket and Dean almost forgot how strong Cas really was, as he buries his face against Dean's chest.

 

Nevermind, **now** it's awkward.

 

Because if Cas lets a small sigh escapes his lips, it's absolute panic in Dean's brain. He stopped breathing, and his heart decided some music would be absolutely perfect right now, and started to beat as loud as it can.

And if Dean's heart would suddenly escape his body after that, and starts running around screaming, the hunter would probably not even be surprised. Maybe he would start screaming with.

 

The problem is, Cas is probably _hearing_ it. And Dean is just standing there, a stupid Starbucks cup in one hand and his best friend in his arms. _Shit._

Dean supposes that, if he does nothing, Cas will let him go and the universe will stop being against him.

 

Except he doesn't. And Dean can't do anything except stops being the bastard he is.

 

So he hugs the angel back, putting his own arms around his back. He even gently presses his cheek on the top of Cas' dark hair.

And it's not the best, because he ends up closing his eyes and holding Castiel even more closer. Don't ask why, he doesn't even know himself. The only thing he's sure is that feeling the heat of Cas' body against his own is the most soothing thing he has ever felt, and the wind may be as strong as a storm and the cold may be freezing all of his bones, that small angel is a warm and soft light in the dark.

Dean doesn't even know how many time they stood like that, but when Cas gently steps back, it feels like he was breaking apart.

 

Magically, two freakin' seconds after, Sam is right there, with a big grin on his face, not so innocent.

 

\- _Gets a bit cold, isn't it?_   he asks, pointing at the sky that is now grey.

 

Dean nods, still feeling like his face was on fire. The angel picks up his cup from the bench where he left it, and smiles at him. Dean wishes he could just dig a hole right now and hide in it forever.

 

And like this whole day wasn't embarassing enough, there's an old lady sitting  just in front of them, smiling. At first, Dean doesn't understand and was about to ask Sam, but this one started walking to the exit of the park, looking as proud as if he has changed the universe today.

The lady stares at Dean and then at Cas, and then back to Dean. She smiles again, like that kind of smile you do when you see a small kitten or a baby, then shouts to them:

 

\- _You look so cute together!_

 

And then, you could see Dean Winchester blushing like a 13 year-old girl that saw her crush walking by. His cheeks turned ruby-red and he definitely wants to hide somewhere where nobody will ever find him.

 

\- _Uh... c'mon, or Sam will go without us..._ , he says, clearing his throat, as he starts walking without even looking at Castiel.

 

This one goes just after him and walks next to him, so close their shoulders touch. Dean can almost feel the woman's stare on his back. _Fucking shit_ , he should have said something, but what can you say in that kind of situation? And Castiel probably didn't understand what she meant, so maybe it was better like that.

Dean's look travel from Cas' dark hair flying in the October's wind, to his bright blue eyes, to finish on his lips.

He totally knows this not the kind of look you give to your best friend. But Cas' presence makes him feel so uncomfortable and yet so good, it's almost impossible to avoid staring at him. He just wishes things would be easier for them, that maybe in another universe they could, possibly, be together.

 

Dean almost stops walking at his own thoughts. Did he just admit to himself a feeling stronger than just a friend-kind of love?

Damn, how was it even possible to crave so much for someone you'd destroy all your beliefs, all your universe to be next to them, and yet still be fighting against the whispers of your own heart? Like, he had never be ashamed of flirting with women, and spending his nights with a different one each time. But when he looks at Cas, he knows exactly it's not the same kind of desire.

 

It's a burning, haunting, devouring feeling in his heart, moving all his mind like an ocean. He shouldn't be ashamed, but he is. He denied it for years now.

And maybe saying it out loud would make this feeling too real. Dean felt like his heart was a better place to keep it, even if it would destroy him.

 

Showing your naked soul to someone is giving them the power to destroy you, using your own feelings, your darkest thoughts.

But he trusts Cas, so why the words his mind is desperately screaming to him are so scary?

 

Because Dean Winchester didn't fall in love with Castiel.

 

 _Fall_ was such a weak word.

 

He was living in dark and blurry skies, surrounded by his own lies.

Something suddenly appeared and held him with wings of fire, chased his tears away, telling him everything was going to be ok. A delicious warmth grew inside him, making him feel safe. He finally found a shoulder to lay his heavy head on.

 

_What a fool._

 

Day after day, the softness became the pain. Every second he spent next to it, the creature broke his mind, threw acid on his skin, ripped his heart and left his chest empty, took all the blood out of him.

No, these dear blue eyes didn't want to do any bad, they didn't even realize what was happening. But if you stay too close to a flame like this when your soul is desperately cold, what happens?

 

Y o u   b u r n.

 

Dean fell from the sky at the speed of light and hit the ground, and all the screams in the world couldn't explain the pain he felt.

His heart still beating was lost somewhere far away from him, somewhere he couldn't reach for it. In the hands of someone else.

 

That was just what it felt like.

Love in its purest form.


	2. Whiskey Lips

**October 31st**

_**5 p.m** _

Two more days of useless searching. They nearly finished reading all the books and all the papers they could find in the bunker, and yet they found absolutely nothing. The Men of Letters' works always helped them quite a lot when they had problems during a hunt, but now...

How can you fight something if you don't know how? They didn't even know what it looks like. Ok, they saw the black smoke in the sky, but what if, like demons and angels, it can possesses people? Or haunt places? One of them could even carry it inside him and they'd never know it.

It was like fighting his own shadow: you can see it, you know it's there but you can't catch it. The worst question was: what if it was unstoppable? They may have found a solution to everything they faced before, but what if they crossed the line?

Until then, they more or less always found a way to save each other, and send everything that could be a danger for the Earth back where it was from.

 

Damn! They fought demons, angels, Leviathans, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse and even killed Death! They traveled in the past and the future, both Sam and Dean got some holidays in the flames of Hell, and the older Winchester and Castiel even had a little trip to Purgatory.

They played with their lives so many times it was actually impossible to count. Death has so many times took their hearts in its poisoned claws and ripped their souls apart...

Even for two hunters that saw everything and a fallen angel that knew Earth at its very beginning, that was a bit too much to handle in one life. That was a real miracle they were still alive.

But now, they are totally lost when it comes to the Darkness. All they know about was that it was not good news, and way older than everything they knew. Older than God, older than all the angels and monsters on Earth.

Castiel was basically a baby compared to it.

 

Dean is so tired he can't control his mind anymore. His thoughts were drifting nowhere, taking him to the darkest places of his brain, asking him the important questions of life, such as what would Cas look like as a baby.

Very interesting actually. Dean bets it would be something like one of those chubby babies, with some dark hair on the top of his head and two big blue eyes, definitely too serious. Just add the tiniest wings that could possibly exist, made of cute and small black feathers.

Of course, the hunter knows humans only see the angels as their vessels and not their true form, and that maybe angels were never children, but the idea of Castiel playing on clouds was the best thing that ever happened to him today.

When you're bored as hell, you take whatever comes. Either it's the weirdest theories your brain can make, or you stare at a wall blankly, thinking about life.

 

Unless you drown in your darkest memories. Then that was less fun.

Like a best-of all the shitiest and most embarassing things that ever happened to you. And it's like one of those stupid too catchy songs : once it's in your head, you're fucked.

Black feathers and harps disappear, as Dean's smile fades.

**The day the Darkness was released.**

 

_He remembers perfectly waking up on the dirty floor, where he fell on last night, too drunk to even stand on his own two feet anymore. Empty bottles of beer surround him. What he did before he went to the motel? He doesn't have a single idea, as his memory seems to betray him, once again. Or maybe he just doesn't want to remember._

_You forget, you live. You remember, you suffer._

_That's a simple rule, and yet it's so hard for most people to follow it. Because everytime you'll try to erase your own memories, they'll fight even harder. They'll become the ghosts of the life you had before, and these ones, you can't kill them. You just have to wait, maybe until the end of your existence, then they'll let you breathe, just a little bit. Maybe on your deathbed you'll still see them around you. Maybe your heart will bleed forever because of them, and the wounds they made will never totally heal._

_If you're lucky, someone special can save you and help you healing slowly, holding you when you're falling apart like a broken mirror. Someone that will let the light enters again in your poor and weak soul, when all your doors and windows were closed._

 

_But if destiny is against you, you're all alone. You'll push away everyone that try to help you, because you don't want to hurt them. Sweet irony, no?_

_You don't believe you need a savior, you don't believe you deserve to be saved..._

 

_Dean's eyes are burning, his whole body is shaking violently, pure alcohol running like snakes in his veins._ _He gets up slowly, using the wall to help him walk to the bathroom. His skin is ablaze, while guilt and sorrow freeze his blood. Small drops of salty sweat run from his forehead to end on his neck._

_He washes his hands with cold water, like he could drown the pain he caused, and the one he feels inside him, in the dirty sink of the motel._

 

_And when he looks at his reflection, it's not him. It's Castiel, his beautiful face covered of red, bright blood making small rivers on his skin. His eyes are empty, all the light in them turned into a pale veil tainted of sadness._

_The second after, he's not there anymore, the fresh-killed hunter staring at him instead._

_Dean punches the mirror, and his fist hurts like hell._

 

_What happened next is blurry, only made of fast flashes._

_Death, fire, blood, dust._

_Sam's eyes imploring him, full of tears, his voice suddenly weak and shaking. Pictures of his family at his feet, friendly faces of people he'll never see again._

_The doubt. A part of him, hiding in the darkness, is screaming_ KILL HIM! _while the other part couldn't even think of hurting his brother._

 

_So he destroyed Death itself, felt its power fading in the small restaurant._

 

_And now, it's a terrible pain in his arm, and coming out of nowhere, lighting piercing through the ceiling. It burns suddenly, and Dean doesn't understand what's happening._

_When he sees his skin, free of any cursed mark, relief hits him like a bullet in his heart. He's ready to live again, now. For a small, important minute he truly believes things will get better for once._

_Hope is a dangerous thing, it makes you think you are safe, and that light always comes after the darkness. Except life is not a fairytale, and you may just spend your whole existence in the shadow instead._

 

_So that's when the whole building starts shaking._

 

_Dean and his brother go outside. The horizon is dark, moving._

_They get in the car as fast as they can, but one of the wheel is captive of the mud. At this point, you just think to yourself '_ What have I ever done in my life to deserve this ?'

 

 _Dean looks at his brother, who does the same._ It's the end _, they think._

_The black smoke is close, so close, too close._

_It enters the car and for a second, they can't breathe anymore._

 

_And then it's just gone. Like nothing happened. They look around and nothing has changed. The sky is still as dark as before, the road silent, the Earth still turning._

 

_When they went back to the bunker, after the wheel magically free itself, they find Crowley leaning on the wall, breathless, looking worried. Cas is on the floor, far away from him._

_Dean runs to the angel, falls on his knees next to him. He takes his head in his palms, slowly shaking him. Cas looks at him like he's a complete stranger. The white of his eyes is now almost entirely covered by a blood-red. Tears of the same color can still be seen on his cheeks._

_Dean asks him if he's alright. The angel doesn't answer. He stares at him blankly and then gets up and go as far away as possible from the hunter, a sudden wild emotion burning in his already crazy eyes._

 

_Dean will forever remember this. The hatred and what seems to be fear he saw on his friend's face broke his heart more than ever._

 

_Crowley will tell them later his mother's spell didn't last as long as normal on Castiel because he wasn't human. Still, it was pretty impressive to watch the angel growling like a rabid animal, holding firmly his blade in his hand, ready to kill the demon. Dean was barely listening, still staring at Cas who was slowly taking control of his thoughts again._

_When Cas was able to walk without help, he just left without a word, going God knows where. He came back to the bunker when Sam called him, but his face was cold as ice everytime Dean tried to look at him._

 

_Since then, and until two days ago, the angel and the hunter never talked again._

 

 

Dean shakes his head, chasing away the memories that still send shivers down his spine everytime they come to his head. He should let the past behind him, but well, easier to say than to do.

He passes a hand on his face, feeling his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. He'll probably fall asleep soon, right on his laptop. Well, after what happened the day before, nothing will never be embarassing anymore.

 

Or at least he hopes so.

 

He sighs until there's no air left in his lungs, and has a look to his brother, who frowns while reading an old book with a leather cover. Dean notices the dark circles under his eyes, like he hasn't slept for centuries. He feels truly bad for Sam, he deserves way better than this life.

Cas is still looking rather awake, even if it looks like the researches are on his nerves now. The second after, he closes violently the book that was in front of him, shuts his eyes and takes his head in his hands, fingers gripping his hair.

 

Five minutes pass and he's still in that position, and only his back moves to the rythm of his breathing. Dean is starting to think he fell asleep like this.

 

The hunter gets up, and walks to the table where his brother and Cas are sitting. Dean needs a lot of space when he's thinking or he's literally incapable of using his brain.

He gets closer to Castiel, and hesitates for a second before he puts his hand on Cas' shoulder, pressing it gently. Either a shiver really shakes the angel's whole body, like electrified by Dean's touch, or it's his imagination making tricks to him.

 

\- _Hey, you ok?_   Dean asks, softly even if his voice is coarse after hours of silence.

 

The angel mutters what sounds like a 'yeah', without even raising his head.

 

\- _Well, then I'm gonna get us a lil somethin' to help us survive this crap._

 

He pats the angel's shoulder, and it still feels weird to have so much contact with him, knowing the months before were more like ' _If I could breathe a different air than you, I totally would._ ' But hey, that's not unpleasant either!

 

Imagine the Earth: a small and insignificant thing, lost and slowly dying? Then, imagine the Universe: umbelievable and beautiful, colorful and breathtaking. Imagine everything that makes the life on our planet a little bit more interesting: lighting piercing through the clouds and thunder breaking the silence of the night? All the birds flying like one, spreading their wings in the warm wind? The stars above, the ones you stare at every evening, speechless? The sunset setting the agitated sea on fire, as it breaks on the golden sand?

Imagine all this beauty around you. And now everything is gone, all at once. Wouldn't you feel a void inside your own soul if your whole word was now nothing but grey?

Well, that's how Dean missed Castiel when he was no longer a part of his universe.

 

For someone who pretends to be as sensitive as a piece of wood, Dean is getting very emotional tonight.

 

He goes to the kitchen, takes three glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Seems appropriate for the situation.

As he's coming back, he realizes how tired he is when he nearly hits the wall that's right in front of him. Man, he really needs to sleep and eat, but that would be selfish to abandon his brother and Cas. And it was just 5 p.m, so he has to wait for dinner. _Fuck._

 

He puts down the bottle of brown-gold alcohol, and was about to take a glass with him when he got an idea. He goes back to his own table and quickly takes all of his stuff in his arms, as well with his laptop. He takes a chair and sits next to Castiel. This one raises his head and his eyes ask a silent question.

As an answer, Dean shruggs his shoulders and gives him a smile, as he takes the whiskey.

 

\- _Gonna need that, no?_

 

He fills their glasses, gives Cas one more slap on his back, you know, just to be sure he's still there and Dean is not imagining it.

Sam takes a prudent sip and winces. Dean rolls his eyes but say nothing.

 

\- _Ok, now back to Hell_! he shouts, his attention back on the computer.

 

He's so concentrated he doesn't see the angel staring at him for a quite a long time now, like the hunter is the center of his universe.

When is Dean gonna open his eyes and see he's not alone in the darkness?

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

_**8 p.m** _

\- _I give up!_

 

Dean throws the book he was reading, and this one flies across the room, right above Sam's head. Fortunately for everyone, that was not the laptop.

Internet was more useless than ever, and Dean can't hide behind the screen anymore. He pushes away everything that's in front of him and puts his head on the fresh wood of the table, hits it with his forehead a few times, like it could help him thinking. Unfortunately, it doesnt.

Sam raises his head to look at him. His blue-green eyes are now bloodshot and all swollen. He passes a hand in his hair, making it even messier than before. Even for him, searching for hours, during months isn't fun. He ends up his face buried in his hands, feeling his head getting heavier each second, and the soft song of sleep calling him.

 

Castiel observes the two brothers fighting (not so well) to stay awake when everything in their mind tell them otherwise. The Darkness will surely cause their death, just by making them spend days and nights searching a way to put this crap where it was from. Unless it drive them crazy first. Cas hopes it will not happen or being between the two Winchester when they'll lose their mind will be some kind of a sick party.

The angel turns his head to Dean, who is still contemplating the table like it's the most interesting thing he has ever seen, face against the smooth surface. Cas raises a hand but his move freezes.

 _It's a bad idea, a really REALLY bad idea, I swear it's the worst you've ever had._ Thanks, dear inner voice, but Cas already knows that, and well, having bad ideas seems to be a special talent he always got.

 

He puts his hand on Dean's back, and rubs it gently, fingers barely touching it.

Cas totally remembers when he hugged Dean in the park, how all his limbs stiffened and his heart started beating so fast. He didn't want to embarrass the hunter, but the a few moments after, Dean finally hugged him back. That was a good thing, no?

Everyone who knew Dean would think he would cut the arm of anyone who touched him like this. But now, he just melts even more on the table, having a blissful sigh.

 

\- _Maybe we should stop for a moment, get some rest_..., says Castiel in a breath.

 

\- _Hhmm_ , answers Dean, his muffled voice barely audible.

 

Cas feels a wave of fondness towards the hunter, until he feels Sam's eyes on him. This one raised his head when he heard Castiel's voice. Now, his look goes from Cas to his hand on Dean's back, and then back to Cas, raising an eyebrow.

The angel feels the heat coming to his cheeks, and remove his hand hastily.

 

Suddenly, it's all dark.

Like, no more lights, no more electricity. For five seconds, the only sound that can be heard is the breathing of the three boys, that needs a moment to understand what's happening. Dean breaks the silence.

 

\- _I think I'm gonna cry._

 

All the power in the bunker decided to stop working at the same time, making them unable to keep working. Even the laptops shut down, leaving them in complete darkness. Something flies in the dark and hits Sam's head with a thud. There are better surprises, for sure.

 

\- _What was that!?_ he shouts, rubbing the top of his skull, wincing at the pain slowly growing in it. Like his headache wasn't enough.

 

No answer. He can hear Dean and Castiel breathing in front of him, and not seeing their faces is more stressful than he thought. He doesn't even want to know what they are doing right now, his imagination is already full of the worst scenarios.

Suddenly, his brother clears his throat.

_\- Sorry... i got a bit... nervous... didn't mean to throw it at you.._

 

_\- You threw a book, knowing I was just in front of you!? Seriously!?_

 

_\- Yeah, sorry... I'm gonna get the flashlights in the kitchen, hm?_

 

That was more an excuse to run away from his brother than to really get them.

Dean turns to Cas, feeling his presence next to him. He searches for his shoulder in the dark, and after an awkward moment where his hand is everywhere but on Cas, he finally finds him.

 

_\- You come with me._

 

The angel's bones move under Dean's hand when he turns to face him.

 

_\- I'm not sure I'd be very helpful, I don't see by night too and-_

 

 _\- Yeah but I don't want to go alone,_ _o_ _k?_ answers Dean, rolling his eyes when no one can see him. When he realises what he said, it's too late.

 

Ok, that's not because he's a hunter he wants to travel the bunker on his own. Plus, he'll probably hit a wall or two during his trip, so if someone is there to help him, he'd appreciate. But he just sounded like a kid that runs as fast as he can when the corridor is too dark and jumps on his bed, just in case there's something under.

So today was definitely a bad day.

 

 _-_ _Well then... I'll wait there_ , says Sam, his voice echoing in the dark.

 

Cas and Dean both get up at the same time and start walking carefully. If the lights came back in this very moment, that would be quite interesting: Dean makes every steps like it's the last, stretching out his arms in front of him, and Cas as close to him as two persons can be, with absolutely no idea of personal space.

They finally enter the hallway after five long minutes, and several _Son of a bitch!_ shouted by Dean to the innocent chairs and tables that dared to be on his way.

Even if he spent enough time in the bunker to know it by heart, Dean still opens a few doors, enters the room and gets out of it the second after.

 

 _\- Guess that was not the right one_ , he mutters everytime, like Cas didn't notice.

 

They were near the kitchen door when Dean lets a little scream escape his lips, jumping of surprise. Nearly falling, he grips the nearest thing, and of course it had to be Cas.

 

_\- What was that!?_

 

 _-_ _What happened?_   asks the angel, frowning in the dark hallway.

 

_\- Something touched my leg! God, Cas I swear if it's you-_

 

_\- That's not me! You probably imagined it!_

 

Dean grumbles, he's totally sure something brushed against him, even if it was almost imperceptible. He starts walking again, even slower. Cas follows him silently, and after a few seconds, he clears his throat.

 

_\- Hmm, Dean?_

 

_\- What!?_

 

_\- You're still holding my arm._

 

_\- Hmm... yeah I know... but I can't see shit!_

 

_\- Me neither, Dean._

 

_\- Just shut up, ok!?_

 

Castiel can't help but smile silently. It's funny to see the hunter almost afraid of the dark, gripping his sleeve like he cannot walk on his own without falling every two minutes.

 

They finally reach the right door. Dean finally releases Cas' arm, and opens it. He gets in the kitchen and for the first time he exactly knows where he's walking. He feels the pieces of furniture with his hand, and opens a drawer. Seriously, who puts their flashlights in the kitchen!? Sam always has the weirdest ideas, and nobody could tell Dean otherwise.

 

After a few seconds of Dean searching and making as much noise as possible, he finally puts his hand on what he was searching. He sighs, exhausted.

As he turns back, he tries one of the flashlights, hopping it still works. And yeah, it works so well the second after something bumps into Dean and this one suddenly faces two big blue eyes, standing much too close to him. He nearly lets the light fall on the floor.

 

_\- Cas!? What are you doing!? I thought you waited in the hallway!?_

 

His voice is low, but his words are said quite violently.

 

\- _Sorry, Dean. Didn't want to scare you_ , whispers Castiel in return.

 

_\- You almost gave me an heart attack! And why the fuck are you whispering!?_

 

_\- You are whispering too Dean and-_

 

The hunter puts the light on the nearest surface, and it illuminates half the room, drawing shadows on Cas' face.

That's when Dean realises he's literally _pressed_ between the kitchen and Castiel, who doesn't seem to know how uncomfortable the situation is. He is just staring at him, like it could change something.

 

Let's talk about chance. Not that luck is something the Winchester know very much, but still.

There are opportunities you just can't miss. Because you know deep inside this moment may never happen again, and if you don't take that chance, you'll never do. These moments are rare, and if they cross your road, you better catch them before they flow through your fingers like water.

Because in this moment, all the Universe wants the same thing.

The bunker is in complete darkness. Sam is waiting patiently (and probably wondering what's happening) at the opposite side of the kitchen. The hunter is diving into the angel's eyes, and a force much too strong makes him unable to look away.

 

Castiel appologies, and steps away from him, just a little bit. Dean takes suddenly his arm, and gets closer to him.

The angel gives him a confused look, opens his mouth to ask him. Dean's arm is now around his back, like a snake around his prey.

 

Cas feels his heart beating faster and faster, just as Dean's in the park. His breathing is rapid and he blinks a few times, sure he's dreaming right now. He wishes he could say something but his thoughts are blurry and don't make any sense and he's lost, oh so lost... Damn, what is happening?

He feels Dean's warm breathing on his face, and he shivers suddenly. What is he even doing?

Their lips are so close, and Castiel forgets how to breathe. Air is heavy and useless, and there are small sparkles of gold in Dean's eyes he didn't notice before.

There are clear waves in Castiel's eyes, and Dean is drowning in them, and _what a beautiful way to die_.

 

He closes the space between them, pressing with softness his lips against Cas'. This one melts in his arms, and tilts his head under Dean's kiss. His hands catch the collar of the hunter's jacket, and he can feel the warmth of his body against his. He pushes Dean against the kitchen, their bodies closer than ever.

All their undisclosed desires are suddenly free, flying around them, breaking on their skin, wrapping soft fingers around their souls. The kiss becomes passionate, burning. A part of them is so surprised they think they'll wake up soon, the other pray more than ever that's real.

Dean tastes Cas' lips, the angel's sighs on his mouth, trying to remember everything about it. He thinks he could never forget that feeling running through his veins. He feels Castiel's eyelashes caressing his skin.

And even if all his mind is perfectly awake, his body is heavy, like rocking in a delicious heat. Cas' lips feel like home. Taste like everything his soul was dying for.

One of Dean's hand is behind Castiel's head, his fingers playing with his dark hair. He doesn't want to let go but he knows they are both slowly losing strengh.

 

He gives the angel a last kiss, soft and tender. For the first time, he feels. He understands what's burning inside him for his friend. It's much stronger than love, it's... impossible to describe. He just knows he would give his life for him, and do everything he could to keep him close to him.

Now that his heart and Cas' beat as one, there's no turning back. He'd die if life tear them apart.

 

Their kiss ends, and they are back to reality. And yet, it still feels like a dream. Their foreheads are leaning on each other's, their bodies bathed in the other's sighs.

The hand that was on Cas' hair falls back on Dean's side, but the angel takes it and interlaces their fingers.

They both take deep breaths, still shocked of what just happened. If someone told them this was gonna happen even a week ago, they'd probably have laughed at his face.

 

Suddenly, a smile coming out of nowhere illuminates Dean's face.

Castiel raises his head to look at him. His eyes are now almost entirely black, and the small circle of blue around it is barely visible.

 

- _What?_

His voice is coarse, but soft.

 

As an answer, Dean kisses him again and Cas can smell alcohol in his breaths, impetuous, obstinate and heady. Then the hunter takes him in his arms.

They spend a moment like this, Cas' head on the hunter's chest, listening to the sound of his heart while Dean strokes his hair with an umbelievable tenderness.

Dean was never the kind of being all sentimental and affectionate but it's like these last minutes changed him in a way nobody will never understand. He can't believe less than a week ago, they were avoiding each other, pretending they didn't exist anymore.

 

_\- We should go... Sam is waiting for us.._

 

Castiel nods against his chest and a small _hmmm_ escapes his lips. Dean holds him tight, breathing in his hair and Cas wishes he could stay like this forever.

Then, Dean releases him. The angel leaves with regret the warmth of his arms, praying this is not the last time it happen.

 

The hunter takes the flashlights with him, turns one on and leaves the kitchen. They were walking in the hallway when Cas takes suddenly his hand, like they were used to it. Dean isn't surprised, or at least he doesn't look like he is. He presses gently Cas' fingers in his own. He turns to give him a small smile, and his friend does the same.

When they're near where Sam waits, Cas lets his arm fall, leaving Dean's hand, already missing it.

It's like a weird feeling. Ten minutes ago, Castiel wouldn't even imagine that it could be possible, and would have been ashamed of his own thoughts. But now it's just like it has been always like this. Like from the beginning, it was meant to be this way.

And Castiel discovers something new. You can love someone for years, your heart aching just at their sight. You can try to kill your feelings, and throw them away in the darkest parts of your soul but they never disappear. They make your heart their home and sleep in it until one day, when they'll suddenly wake up for no reason.

And if it was already a real pain to stay away from Dean all these months, it felt even harder now. The second Cas felt Dean's lips on his own, everything in him exploded. A part of himself was ripped apart, and everytime the hunter was a bit far away, it felt like someone was stabbing his soul, diving the blade into this void. Like this part of himself was missing.

 

Dean enters the room without a look back, trying to act as normal as possible.

He raises his light, searching for his brother, and finally sees his face. This one raises his head that was on the table in his arms, when he hears their steps,

 

 _\- Dude, not right in my face!_ Sam shouts, covering his eyes with his hands.

 

 _\- Sorry, princess! At least, that means we found them!_ answers Dean with a way too happy grin.

 

Sam observes them with a suspicious look, his eyes traveling from Cas to Dean. They may think he's an idiot, but he's not blind. And all he can see right now is their red cheeks, their short breaths and Cas' messy hair. He frowns.

 

 _\- Took you a lot of time, didn't it?_ he says, letting some sarcasm piercing in his voice.

 

If his brother undestood the innuendo, he acts like he didn't.

 

_\- Yeah, that would have been faster if you didn't put 'em where they are impossible to search._

 

_\- Well then. By the way, I don't know for you but I'm starving. What do you think of going out and eat a bit?_

 

Dean looks at him like he's crazy.

 

_\- Are you kidding me? We spent like ten minutes searching for these and now you basically want to leave?_

 

Sam smiles and gets up. Once he's close enough, he pats gently his brother's shoulder.

 

_\- Well, you'll thank me later for letting you two alone._

 

Dean freezes. Sam winks at Cas who looks at his feet with bright red cheeks, then takes a flashlight from his brother's hand and starts walking to the hallway.

 

 _\- Don't stay there, we're going out tonight!_ he shouts before he disappears in the corridor.

 

Dean and Cas stare at each other for a while, both embarassed and hopping Sam didn't get what happened.

Finally, the older Winchester sighs and passes a hand in his hair.

 

 _\- Ok... guess we have to do what the lady said..._ , says Dean.

 

He turns to see Cas' face, pointing his light on it. The angel blinks and before he can even understand what's happening, the hunter puts another, quick kiss on his lips. Then Dean goes back to his bedroom, whistling.

Castiel stands there a few more seconds, enjoying the silence and smiling in the dark.

 

Finally, today is not as bad as it seemed.

 


	3. Jukebox Anthem

_**8:30 p.m** _

The ride is quite silent, since they're too tired to talk. Sam's driving, alone, while Cas and Dean are on the backseat. Night is already covering the city, and in the dark you can't miss the lights of the shops on both sides of the car, tainting the windows with bright colors.

They choose a small restaurant, looking like it's straight from the 50's. Well, actually Sam picked it and let no other choice to Dean and Cas, who are two busy staring at each other to worry about what they are gonna eat. Their relationship seemed to bloom suddenly, and was as surprising as snow in July.

The car is parked since five big minutes, and Sam enjoys way too much looking at the two idiots on the backseat, who didn't get they were not driving anymore. Even if they're both head against window and as separated as possible, their looks are still turned to the other, and a shy smile even appeared on his brother's face. The angel gives him his smile back, with so much tenderness in his eyes you'd have to be blind to don't see it.

Sam clears his throat, making Dean jumping on his seat.

 

 _\- We arrived_ , he simply says.

 

Dean takes a few seconds to react, then looks by the window. A big ' _Granny's'_ is written in a fluorescent pink above the restaurant, and around ten cars are already parked in front of it.

They're all exhausted and look probably like they just escaped an asylum, but they need to think of something else than the Darkness. The Starbucks was a little experience, and Sam was quite proud when he saw even Dean appreciated it. And he was even more glad he and Cas were talking again, because he couldn't bear anymore their _'I stare at you when you're not looking, like I'm the most desperated soul on Earth'_   for the past months.

They get out of the car and walk to the door, Sam first, followed by Dean and Castiel walking definitely too close as always, their fingers brushing against each other's. There's a violent wind outside, the kind that freezes you to the bones, and Sam thanks whatever that's in the sky for having a jacket on.

They enter the place and a soft warmth surrounds them, not the heavy kind like at the coffee shop, more like something soothing your tired body after a long day.

 

The floor is composed of large black and white tiles, that contrast with the decoration. All around is colorful: from the seats made with a bright red leather, to the neon lights on the walls, as well with the posters of rock bands and cars. Some vinyls are glued above each tables, if it's not old ads of Coke. A pastel blue and pink bar with small stools faces the seats. A gas pump even complete the whole thing and it feels like they suddenly traveled in time.

Sam even sees a jukebox, looking quite new, with its changing colors and its shining surface. He really hopes Dean will not notice it, or everybody in the restaurant will have to leave as quickly as possible when his brother will start to sing, after three or four beers.

Being embarassed by a drunk/happy/in love Dean? No thanks. For his own sanity, Sam will try to avoid that.

 

Otherwise, it doesn't feel much like Halloween, except for the tiny pumpkins on the bar and the bowl of candies next to it, almost empty. Sam has a weird feeling, the atmosphere is too calm... or maybe he's just not used to stop hunting and having a normal life. Maybe he misses the things everybody would notice, just because he doesn't know what to see. His heart aches a bit when he sees a family laughing, the parents hugging their two children.

 

They pick a table, actually the only one left since the whole place is full. Cas takes a place next to the window, and at Sam's biggest astonishment, Dean slides next to the angel. Usually, he avoids that, and lets Sam or anyone else sitting next to Cas.

Sam sits in front of them, repressing a comment. Is Dean playing with him or he's really as subtle as a 3 year-old?

 _Whatever_.

 

 

\- _Good Evening, sirs!_ _I'm Beth, and I'll take your order._

 

A plump lady, probably in her 40's, faces them. Her blonde hair falls in crazy curls on her shoulders. Her warm brown eyes are fixed on them, while she has the kindest smile Sam has ever seen.

 

 _-_ _What would you like?_ she asks, her head turning to Sam.

 

She holds a small notebook and taps it with a small glitter pen. Sam doesn't see any ring on her finger, so he supposes she's single, maybe living all alone in her house, surrounded by her cats. He feels a wave of compassion for her.

 

\- _What would you recommend to us, Beth?_   he answers, giving her the biggest smile he can do.

 

Dean rolls his eyes, probably thinking his brother is way too nice, but the waitress blushes suddenly, and looks down at her bright pink nails.

 

\- _Hmmm, well... tonight there is... the..._

 

She turns around to face the bar and shouts:

 

\- _What's the thing tonight,_ _Kristen!?_

 

A young girl, in her twenties Sam supposes, who seems to be Kristen, passes her head by the kitchen's door to look at her. After a few seconds of staring blankly at Beth, she sighs deeply and rolls her eyes, like Beth was bothering her for the 20th time today.

 

- _I'm comin'!_

 

She walks to their table and it's when they realise how pretty she is. She is tall and thin, and got long silky black hair. She wears a very skinny jean, and a plaid shirt tied on her flat stomach. She seems to know the effect she has on people, and she walks holding her head high. All the men in the room follow her with empty eyes and open mouths, while their wives glower at her.

She finally gets at their table, chewing and making a pink bubble time to time.

 

\- _Today, we've got the Max Burger, actually it's Fred that created it himself. Fred is the cook, ya know. And basically it's a burger but with a secret sauce and more fries._

 

She trows her hair behind her shoulder, and stares at them with her big doe eyes, waiting for an answer.

 

\- _Sounds good, no?_ says Dean, looking at his brother.

 

The younger waitress turns her hair to the sound of his voice. She only sees his profile but a smirk appears on her face the second after. Suddenly she puts a hand on Dean's shoulder and sits right next to him. The hunter freezes under her touch but doesn't say anything. Beth seems ill-at-ease and swings awkwardly on her feet.

 

- _So that would be three Max Burgers?_   Kristen asks, hand discreetly rubbing Dean's jacket. This one moves on the seat to free his shoulder from the waitress, ending pressed against Castiel. The angel looks at her with a small smile.

 

\- _No, only two._

 

The brothers look at him, and Sam raises an eyebrow. Before any of them could talk, Cas answers with the most innocent face in the world.

 

- _I'll share with Dean._

 

Kristen looks at him as her smile fades suddenly. Her eyes travel from Cas to Dean, to their thighs pressed against each other's. She seems to realize something. She tries to get Dean's attention once again, but this one keeps his eyes fixed on the table, avoiding her look.

She gets up suddenly and turns on her heels, walking angrily back to the kitchen.

Beth, who was still silent since Kristen arrived, turns back to them, with a shy smile. She probably lives in the shadow of her young colleague, since people would prefer the pretty to the nice.

 

- _I don't understand, she never acted like that before..._

 

 _\- That's ok, Beth,_ says gently Sam.

 

She blushes again.

 

\- _So, the burgers and maybe... beers?_

 

The three of them nods at her. She seems to take control of herself again.

 

\- _Well, that_ _should no_ _t take long_! she says happily before leaving them.

 

After a few seconds and Dean's cheeks getting back to their normal color, the green eyed hunter starts talking.

 

\- _Hey, y_ _ou should ask for her number._

 

Sam glowers at him when an idea comes to his mind. Cas is watching the cars passing by on the road, looking by the window.

 

\- _And uhm... this Kristen.. wasn't she your type?_   he says, playing with the salt shaker that looks tiny in his hands.

 

Dean frowns.

 

- _Not at all!_

 

He looks around to be sure she's not there before he follows.

 

_\- She was a freak! She was totally hitting on me!_

 

_\- Exactly._

 

Sam raises an eyebrow. Dean? Stopping to flirt suddenly? Awkward and embarrassed with a pretty girl nearly sitting on his lap? Doesn't sound much like him.

 

\- _What's happening to you? It has nothing to do with....?_   he says as he points Castiel so discreetly only his brother can see it.

 

Dean blushes while muttering things that sounded like ' _I don't know what you're talkin' about_.'

Sam has a little laugh, perfectly satisfied of himself. Soon, Beth comes back with three bottles in her hands. She puts the beers on the table and opens them.

 

\- _There you are! The burgers will arrive soon!_

 

She was about to leave when she opens her mouth, and seems to hesitate. Then, she gives a look at Dean and Cas, always sitting too close when the seat could welcome a third person.

 

\- _I just wanna say... you're absolutely adorable together!_

 

Her cheeks are bright red, but not as much as Dean's, who definitely wonder why he's even there. He was ready to answer, but for the second time, Cas is faster.

 

\- _Thanks!_

 

Dean Winchester hates his life and wants to kill the angel sitting next to him. If this idiot wasn't the person he chose to love, he'd probably have tried to strangle him already. And like it wasn't embrassing enough, his brain decided he couldn't speak for now.

The waitress has another happy smile and leaves them, walking fast to the kitchen.

 

Sam can't help but starts laughing, his whole body shaking uncontrollably.

 

- _Shut up!_ shouts Dean, as silently as he can.

 

But the asshole wouldn't stop, he just stares at them, pointing at Dean's ruby red face, while his brother is frowning like an angry child. Tears even start rolling on Sam's cheeks, and he definitely didn't laugh that much for a long time.

Castiel looks at him, giving him his confused face, tilting his head slightly. That's the second time in two days one of the brothers laugh til he can't breathe, and Cas is always lost.

 

- _What... what's happening?_

 

Dean turns to him, but doesn't look at him. He takes a deep breath. He moves his hands in the air, trying to find his words.

 

\- _Well... she thought..._

 

Dean looks at his brother, searching for some help, but Sam is still laughing and has to take a sip of his beer to calm down. Dean sighs.

 

_\- She thought you and I... we were together... like... together you see!?_

 

_\- Oh._

 

Cas blushes suddenly, and his eyes are still staring at Dean, who wishes he could read the emotions moving in them. Cas' face is too close to his own and the memory of their kiss hits suddenly Dean.

 _Great_ , now he can't even look at Sam.

 

\- _I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, Dean..._

 

Cas' voice is soft and sounds slightly sad. The angel has lowered his head and play with the beer with a hand. Dean now realises how he reacted to what the waitress said, like it bothered him and like he was ashamed that anyone could think that, _like before_. That was quite a weird situation, they were no longer 'just friends' but what were they now? Now that he thought of it, he understand why Cas seemed a bit hurt.

Dean gave him hope, the hope that maybe they could be together, that he finally got what he was dying for. He made his deepest desires come true, and not even a hour after, break the silent promise he made in the bunker's kitchen.

God, why life must be so hard? Not that he wants to have an internal crisis right now, but love wasn't supposed to give you headaches, no? Or maybe he just didn't know a thing about love, and it was why it felt so strange to him.

Apologies weren't his thing either. Some people could tell they were sorry in a million ways, but he, well it was like the words were burning his throat when he tries to say them. They didn't sound right. After all, they were just words. And words can hide lies.

That's why, instead of talking to Cas, he simply takes his hand under the table, keeping a straight face for his brother. The angel nearly jumps on his seat, but after a few seconds, he presses Dean's fingers.

There, it felt right. When words are not strong enough to express feelings, there's always another way. Words are useless most of time.

 

When Beth comes back ten minutes later, walking carefully and trying not to fall with the two plates, they are still holding hands, sipping their beers. From where the waitress is, she can totally see it and when she smiles tenderly to them, it's Sam who is confused. Fortunately, she doesn't say anything.

 

\- _Sorry for taking so long.. it was Kristen who took care of your order, it's weird... usually she's quite fast..._

 

Yeah, and maybe eating them wouldn't be safe for their lives.

 

She puts the two burgers, one in front of Sam, the other just between Dean and Cas. Before she goes, Dean tells her to bring more beers for them.

Sam disagrees, giving him the disappointed look a mother gives to her teen. That's why Dean does it anyway.

 

A second after, she's already back with them, giving them another soft smile.

 

Dean has to release Cas' hand to take his burger so instead, the angel gets closer and in another universe, he'd be probably be on his lap. While Dean is eating, he steals one or two fries and bites in them pensively.

Coming out of nowhere, _Still Loving You_ starts playing, the first notes of guitar sounding in Dean's ears. That would probably be the weirdest thing he has ever done, but he turns slightly his head to look at Cas, a thin smile on his lips.

The angel dives his deep blue eyes in Dean's. The hunter has to control himself or he'd kiss him right now, in front of everyone, including Sam. Three words burn his tongue, but they are too real, and saying them out loud would destroy the storm that his feelings make inside his heart. So he keeps eating, moving his head slightly to the rythm of the song.

 

♪ ♫ _I'm loving you... ♪ ♫_

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

_**10 p.m** _

 

Dean takes the last sip of his pink milkshake. He feels like he has eaten a bit too much, and his stomach is already making war to him.

The whole dinner was excellent, and the burgers were apparently not poisoned. The three men talked happily, enjoying that little moment of peace, far away from the dusty books and the bunker. The bar played a bit of everything, from old 50's rock 'n' roll, to the new too catchy songs, or some classic tunes from younger bands.

Dean feels his eyelids getting heavier. Maybe it's because he barely slept two hours for the past two days. Or maybe the four beers he swallowed in the past hour were starting to make effect. Yeah, definitely that, he feels his mind getting so light and soft and full of weird jokes that make him internally laugh. His thoughts are drifting nowhere, taking him wherever his brain wants to go.

Everything around him is getting slower and slower, and extremely colorful.

 

Yeah, he's quite ashamed of being already kind of drunk. He feels like one of those chicks who is already laughing after a small fruit cocktail or whatever they like.

But well, he feels good and that's the most important, isn't it?

 

His brother stopped after the second beer, and is now playing with an empty bottle of Coke. He looks at Dean with desperated eyes, even if he can't help but smile at Dean's peaceful face. Castiel went to the four beers as well, but it doesn't seem to affect him a lot, as his eyes and words are still perfectly clear.

 Except a young couple who are sipping a milkshake in the same glass and a group of bikers wearing leather and smelling like gas, the restaurant is now totally empty.

 

Seeing his brother's eyes closing time to time, Sam decides they may have spent enough time at this table. He puts the Coke down.

 

\- _Can we go? I mean only if you_ _'re ready_ _..._

 

Dean squints, trying to see his brother a bit clearer. Finally he nods.

 

\- _Yeah... or I'll sleep here... probably..._

 

Sam gets up, soon followed by Cas and Dean, who needs a second to recover his balance. They walk to the bar, where Beth and Kristen are talking, and look like they're almost friends. When they hear their steps, they both turn their heads at the same time. Beth grins at them, her cheeks back to bright red, while Kristen has a desperated glance to Dean, hoping he'll notice her this time.

While Sam is paying for their meal, Beth is staring at the two love birds behind the tall hunter. She sighs deeply, and zones out for a moment, like thinking of a better life. Finally, she puts a elbow on the pastel bar and bury her chin in her hand, still smiling while gazing at us.

 

\- _Ah... I wish I could find someone and look this good with him, like you two..._ _You're so lucky to have found each other!_

 

Sam was about to repress a laugh when Dean does the opposite of what his brother thought: he puts an arm behind Cas' back and takes him by his waist, pressing his hip against Castiel's.

 

- _Naah, I'm sure it'll come.. just wait for it!_ he says as he winks to Beth.

 

Well, if anyone had doubts about their relationship, now it's pretty clear: they're definitely not ' _buddies_ '. Sam's new mission is to be sure Dean will NEVER forget that, because if it can embarass his brother forever, then Sam will love that.

 

\- _Well then, have a nice evening! Hope we'll see you soon!_ shouts Beth, smiling to them.

 

 _-_ _I hope too!_ answers Sam, as they wave to the two waitresses.

 

Even Kristen throws a little _Goodbye_ to them before the two women starts talking again.

 

When they are finally out, a cold wind blows and makes Sam shivers. He turns to his brother. This one is still holding Castiel, gripping his coat, while they are both gazing like idiots at the dark skies. Sam never saw Dean acting like that, and the way he holds the angel firmly like he'll never let him go is truly umbelievable.

 

_\- Hmm guys... I saw there is a small concert on the main place... but if you are tired..._

 

_\- Let's do that!_

 

Sam raises an eyebrow. For a surprise, that's a big one. Dean actually wanting to do something fun? Even if he's freezing, nearly drunk and tired as hell? The green eyed hunter walks to his brother and gives him a slap on the back.

 

_\- Let's go, ok? I'm fine, don't worry 'bout me!_

 

He starts walking, holding both Cas by the waist and his brother with an arm around his shoulders.

Castiel's face is now the definition of happiness: from the sparkles flying in his blue eyes to the smile that can't leave his face, he's literally beaming. These past days changed them all of so much..

 

After five minutes, they reach the main place, where a small scene is already built, and already lots of people are sitting on the steps around it. They find a way through the crowd, and take a seat.

Some guys test the lights, illuminating the people's faces with red, blue, green, yellow... Sam gets up and comes back a few minutes after, three cups of steaming coffee in his hands he got from a small stall behind the crowd. He gives one to Dean and Cas, who thank him.

They're slowly drinking when the concert starts. A short blonde woman and a dark-haired man are standing on the scene behind mics, as well with at least five other musicians. The stage is illuminated with soft blue and purple lights, and when the couple starts singing what seems to be their own version of _Wind Beneath My Wings_ , the crowd is suddenly silent.

 

The music becomes slowly louder, the piano, drums and guitar sounding in the night. The girl got a beautiful voice, _an angel voice_ without exaggerating. She truly looks like one, with her smooth hair falling on her shoulders, and her long white dress shining under the spotlights. The man is her opposite, looking quite tall next to her, dressing entirely in black. He has a deep, incredible voice that fits the girl's so well, going beyond all their differences. When she got a soothing, pale aura around her, he got a violent, dark one dancing around him, snaking around his tattooed arms.

Their music are like their personality, sad and painful from her, raging and angry from him. The show is truly fascinating.

 

Sam was so captivated he didn't see his brother gently putting his head on Cas' shoulder, closing his eyes and humming to the rythm of the song. The angel puts as well his one head on Dean's, holding his hand. Sam listens to the lyrics closely, and he understands why they both seems to like it.

 

♪♫ _Did you ever know that you're my hero?_

_You're everything I wish I could be!_

_I can fly higher than an eagle,_

_You're the wind beneath my wings...♪♫_

 

All of this sounds like the new romantic show the mothers would watch on their afternoons, but it happens right in front of Sam's eyes. Dean must be really drunk, or really in love. Which is kind of the same thing, when you think about it.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

_**11 p.m** _

Dean is asleep, leaning on the angel, when the concert finally ends. Their hands are still tied together, and Castiel putted his cheek on Dean's hair. The crowd cheers, waking the hunter suddenly. He looks around him, a bit lost and confused. But then he sees Cas' face next to him, and everything becomes calm and warm again.

The band bows and waves at the people in front of them, then disappears in the darkness of the scene. The families are leaving one by one, some parents holding their asleep children in their arms, some friends walking to the nearest bar.

The two brothers and the angel gets up, shaking their frozen limbs. They were walking when it starts to snow.

 

Suddenly, coming out of nowhere, there are snowflakes by million, white small sparkles in the black sky, shining under the light of the lightbulbs hanging above their heads. Everybody stops even for a second, admiring the beauty of cold. Their hair are soon full of it, and some of them shiver when it touches their bare skin. The evening is suddenly calm and silent as the white coat slowly covers the city.

The sky is pretty clear tonight, and you can see billions of stars, as well with the full moon, painfully bright in the night.

 

Sam decides to give Cas and Dean some space, and starts walking faster, hands in pocket, to wait somewhere far away from them.

 

The two of them stopped walking, warm hands holding each other's.

And like the night wasn't beautiful enough, a firework explodes suddenly, illuminating the crowd. To celebrate Halloween, they choose warm colors, such as orange, red, yellow and even some green. The sound of the explosions fills their ears, the bright lights reflecting in their eyes.

 

Everyone is quiet, observing the amazing show, and Dean and Cas are both comfortable with silence. But suddenly, Dean turns his head to look at the angel. This one is staring at the skies, fascinated, his mouth opened in a wide smile. The hunter wonders if Cas ever saw this before, but he supposes he saw things way more beautiful than this.

He was still observing Castiel when his heart suddenly jumps in his chest. A foreign emotion takes it with violent claws, making his blood flow faster in his veins.

He doesn't want to bother Cas, but a few seconds after, Dean clears his throat, and Cas turns to look at him. The hunter's eyes are suddenly very serious, even if the alcohol didn't entirely disappear of their bright green.

 

_\- Cas?_

 

 _\- Hmm?_   he answers, his faces lighted up from time to time.

 

_\- I like you._

 

Yeah, it comes out like this, all raw and barely audible because of the fireworks. The angel has a little laugh, while Dean's still staring at him without blinking. It's barely impossible to stand his look if you're not used to it.

 

 _\- I know_ _that_ , simply answers Cas, giving Dean a smile.

 

Dean shakes his head.

 

\- _No, no that's not what I meant. I don't_ like _you. I **like** my car, I **like** fine whiskey, I **like** hunting. But you... I-_

 

And here they are. The damn words. So meaningless in your mind, but so important once they're out of your head. They can create and they can destroy. You need to think before you say them, and it's certainly not with a fog made of crappy beers you'll see clearly. But still, they now want to go out, and fly in the glacial air of that October night. Because they haunt your heart for so many years now, and this hypnotic song in your soul is getting louder every day.

The angel is still looking at him, waiting. His fingers press the hunter's, encouraging him to follow. Dean takes a deep breath, and can't believe what he's about to say.

 

_**\- I love you.** _

 

Boom! It's too late now, he can't take back what he said, even if he wanted to. That's the pure truth, he truly meant it, now that he's sure about his feelings, and it feels like the heavy burden that was on his chest suddenly disappeared. But it still feels odd. And quite embarassing. He was staring at his feet, pushing a small heap of snow on the ground.

When he finally raises his head to see Cas' reaction, his heart melts. The angel is looking at him with wide open eyes, dilated pupils, and he'd swear he sees some tears shining in them. His mouth is opening and closing, like he can't find the right words to answer. He shivers as a violent feeling seems to run through his whole body. After a minute of Cas staring at him silently, the angel finally speaks, and his voice is coarse and low, breaking.

 

\- _**I love you too**_ , he answers in a breath, blinking rapidly.

 

It's a thing to say that to somebody, it's another to hear it from someone's else mouth. It feels like.. a heat growing in your soul, caressing your bones, taking all your broken pieces to put them back together. All these three words hold too much power, but it doesn't stop us from saying them.

Because for one second, because of three small words, all your universe can collapse.

 

Dean kisses Cas under the moonlight, the snow and the fireworks fading in the dark skies. He holds him tight, pressing him against his own body. Right there, in front of perfect strangers, with no fear and no shame, just surrounded by a thin bubble of tenderness.

 

Leaning against a lampost, Sam is looking at them, smiling. _Finally!_ No more lies, no more pretending.

 

They finally rejoin him, and Dean's eyes cross Sam's. This one doesn't laugh or anything, just gives a gentle slap on Dean's shoulder.

 

They walk back to the car, surrounded by the cold October breeze and the flying snowflakes.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

_**11:30 p.m** _

They are driving back home, and even if they absolutely don't want to be back in the researches, they're have literally no other choice. Dean, who doesn't seem to worry much about it, is drowsing on Cas' shoulder, buring his face in his neck.

Sam is driving, listening to the radio he putted at its lowest to let his brother sleep. It's a nice feeling, to see him like this. To see him as a normal human being for once, when he's not hunting and covered in blood, but breathing softly with a peaceful face. Maybe he was having a nice dream, and that's all his brother was wishing for.

Maybe in a few years, they could have a normal life. For the moment, anybody would thought it was very impossible but aren't our lives only made of _what if?_  tirelessly coming one after the other? If you don't even wish a little it could be better, what do you have left? If the flame of hope is suddenly blown, what are you, alone in the dark? After all, believing was the only thing that could keep humans alive. Not the persons, not the actions, but the pure hope they put inside you. That maybe one day, you'll finally be ok with yourself, and life will think you've learned enough and will stop hurting you.

Sam was full of hope that life will not always be that way, even for them. Maybe he was just being a stupid optimist, but that small dream helped him a lot through the hard times.

 

And yet, despite the soft happiness in Sam's heart, another feeling was growing inside him, and he couldn't explain it. The road was oddly empty, not just that there was almost nobody: there was literally no one. Not a single car. They were all alone in a road without an end.

Maybe he was too tired, maybe he was worrying about nothin'. But still, he felt like a shiver running down his spine, while a cold sweat started to cover his skin.

He was feeling like something was going to happen, something bad. There was no way to explain it... he just knows it. Because he already felt that in his life, and everytime, he was right.

He didn't want to wake Dean, just for some weird thoughts coming out of nowhere, so he keeps his mouth shut, eyes fixed on the bitumen. The night is suddenly dark, and all the stars hide. The road is almost entirely white, covered by the snow that keeps getting stronger, screeching under the wheels of the Impala.

The only lights that can be seen are the tired yellow of the lampposts on both sides of the road and the ones that come from the car, illuminating the ground. The silhouettes of the trees project shadows all around them, making the atmosphere even scarier.

 

Far away, surrounded by fields there's a small house. Sam turns his head for a second to look at it, distracted by the light coming out of the windows. He feels his heart jumps on his chest when he sees someone looking straight at him, or at least his body is turned to him, facing the road. The hunter shakes his head, chasing away the fear slowly invading his blood like a cold poison.

He stares back at the road when he hears Cas' low voice behind him.

 

\- _Sam?_

 

The younger Winchester turns for a moment to look at him. The angel has dark circles under his eyes, tiredness like a mask on his face. One of his arm is behind Dean's neck, holding him tight against him, as his cheek is on the asleep hunter's hair. His previous joy is nowhere to be seen, and worry makes him frown.

 

\- _Yeah?_

 

The angel moves a bit to be more confortable. His voice is just a whisper.

 

\- _This is going to sound strange. But I have a weird feeling, Sam. Like... there's something wrong on this road, I can **feel** it._

 

Sam's eyes are wide open now, and his breathing is rapid. If it was just in his head, then why did Cas feel it too?

When Sam answers, his voice is coarse.

 

\- _I feel it too, and I don't know why. I mean, why are we alone? People are supposed to reach home now, after the Halloween party, no? Then why are we the only ones on the road? I just can't explain it..._

 

Fear moves under Sam's skin.

 

_\- I know, Sam. That's why I'm feeling bad too. Maybe we should tell Dean?_

 

 _-_ _No, don't wake him. It's been a while since he slept more than ten minutes in a row,_ Sam answers as he looks at his brother, still asleep on the angel, snoring from time to time.

 

Castiel sighs deeply and rubs his eyes with his free hand. Finally, after a minute of silence, he starts talking again.

 

_\- Sam?_

 

_-Uhm?_

 

_\- Do you think... he'll remember that tomorrow? Or was he just drunk...?_

 

Even if the angel's concern could be funny, Sam wasn't in the mood to laugh, and he'd never joke about people's feelings.

 

_\- Well, he drank a bit too much, that's sure. But I know Dean, he'd rather being stabbed than talk about what he feels, trust me I have tried. Maybe alcohol helped him, but all he said, all he did, that was him. I believe what he feels about you is very strong, man, if that's what you wanted to hear. Still, I thought it would happen sooner. You two took your time, uh?_

 

The angel blushes and he's glad the darkness hides his face a bit to Sam.

 

\- _Since when do you know it?_ he shyly asks.

 

Sam passes his fingers through his hair.

 

_\- Well, I had doubts for a while, but I guess I was kind of sure when he came back from Purgatory. If you saw him... he was completely lost. He acted like he was alright, but I'm not stupid, you know. And you, well you'd have to be blind to not see it. Since when do you feel that way?_

 

_\- Since the beginning, I guess. There was something... special about him, but I knew nothing about human's feelings. I was just... intrigued. And then it became stronger each day, and I was still lost. I think I understood when I became human. It suddenly hit me. And since then, it wasn't the same._

 

_\- But why didn't you... why didn't you tell him?_

 

_\- Because I was so sure he'd laugh at me or that he'd want to never see me again... I didn't want to ruin our friendship, and things would have been very embarassing if I told him.. I never thought for a second he was feeling the same, Sam. I wished it, but I never believed it._

 

Sam smiles.

 

\- _Well, I'm glad something finally happened, I'm happy for you both. I know I'm not an expert in relationships but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that Dean is in love with you._

 

He turns to look at Cas, who smiles at him.

 

_\- Thank you, Sam._

 

 

And suddenly Castiel's eyes are wide open as he shouts Sam's name, pointing at the road in front of them. The hunter only stopped looking at it for a second and still so much happened. Sam brakes suddenly and the car skids on the frozen surface.

The snow is raging around the Impala and some lampposts explode, leaving just broken lightbulbs and smoke coming out of them. The trees are almost ripped of the ground, as the wind blows dangerously like a storm was coming.

Dean waked up suddenly, jumping on his seat. He looks around him, disoriented, his limbs still heavy of sleep. He looks at Cas, shaking his arm by the sleeve of his trenchcoat.

 

\- _Cas, what's happening!? Cas!?_

 

This one stares at the road, fear moving like waves in his blue eyes, incapable of saying a word. And then Dean sees.

There are at least ten persons standing right in front of the car. They are like statues, motionless in the middle of the road. They are all staring at them, a scary smile on their faces. A sudden wave, like the air was moving around them makes them shiver. Like one, they make a step to the car and stop again, like they were waiting.

And then Dean sees the corpses. Hundreds of bodies lying on the road, surrounded by puddles of blood that looked black under the full moon. Men, women and even children. Their cars crashed in the grass, some of them are on fire, projecting shadows on the small group.

Hundreds of persons, killed in one night, when they were going home, after their family dinner. So many innocent lives wasted in a breath.

 

Suddenly, a corpse moves behind the people, slowly gets up as warm blood is flowing out of the wound on his chest. Even from where they are, they can see his face is distorded by pain and fear. He starts walking to the side of the road, trying to reach the barrier to escape by the fields. He limps and each steps seem to be his last.

The second after, before anyone could move, he falls on the ground, a bullet in the head. One of the person standing lowers his gun. Another life taken like it was nothing.

 

Dean looks at them. There are women and men, all dressed in black, their messy hair moving in the wind. Despite the darkness that makes Dean unable to see them clearly, he can see their skin is as pale as the corpses behind them.

The air literally glows around them, looking silver in the night. Dean knows they're not human. As much as he sees their empty, black eyes from where he is. Either they're possessed, or they're real demons, coming directly from Hell.

 

But what are they doing here? And why did they kill all those people? Alright, a demon wasn't the perfect example of peace, but they would never murder all these people just for fun, looking like they perfectly knew the Winchesters were on this road.

Suddenly, as one, they open their mouth and even if they're still far away, and the windows are closed, their voices sound perfectly clear to Dean's ears. They resonate _inside_ his mind.

 

 

_It's time to wake up, Dean Winchester._


	4. The Soul Thieves

_**11:40 p.m** _

 

_\- What the-_

 

Dean stares at the group in front of the car, incapable of saying more.

 

_\- You heard that!?_

 

Sam and Castiel both nod, and the angel turns his head to look at him, his eyes full of doubts.

Dean bents to talk to his brother.

 

_\- Can't you just.. turn around?_

 

_\- Dean, look behind us._

 

The hunter turns to see ten more demons behind them, still aligned perfectly next to each other. They have the same serial-killer kind of smile, and the same dark eyes.

 

_\- C'mon, if we kill one or two of these, that won't be a big loss!_

 

As he says this words, one of them raises a hand, and suddenly a small ball of black smoke fills it. He trows it on them. Nothing moves, nothing changes. Sam screams to his brother.

 

_\- Dean! The car... it doesn't work anymore!_

 

_\- What have they done to my Baby!? I swear I'm gonna kick their fuckin-_

 

Suddenly, the voices are back.

_You cannot escape, Dean._

 

\- _You, you shut the fuck up!_ _You'll regret that!_

 

Dean suddenly opens the Impala's door. He was about to get out when Cas takes his arm, gripping his jacket.

 

\- _Dean, what are you doing!?_

 

\- _My_ _job_ , the hunter simply answers, his voice suddenly cold as ice.

 

He takes a knife under the seat and gets out of the car, ignoring Castiel's protestations.

 

\- _And you two, you stay there!_ he shouts before he slams the door.

 

The wind stabs him, more glacial than ever. The snow is still falling, making it hard to see anything. It's the darkest night Dean has ever seen, and he can't believe not even one hour ago, it was the most beautiful and the brightest he ever lived.

He hasn't make a step when he feels something brushing against his arm. He turns to see Castiel, standing next to him, holding his angel blade firmly. Dean sighs deeply, ready to yell at him when he feels another presence near him. Sam is there too, a gun in his hand.

Dean wants to say something but they both have determined faces, and he can totally understand. Sam is a hunter too, and Castiel definitely doesn't need anyone to help him. After all, Dean would have done the same for them, he'd never stay in the car, waiting patiently while one is in danger.

 

The demons that were behind them are now with the others, facing them. They didn't even saw them passing next to them. If they ever did. There are now twenty monsters in front of them, and Dean is thinking of the best way to fight them. They are only three idiots, with definitely no luck at all.

Before he can do anything, a voice starts to speak, and this time it sounds in the whole place, not just in their minds. The moment the person opens the mouth, the three men feel a shiver running on their skin: it doesn't sound like a he or a she, more like a them, as if it wasn't one voice, but dozens of whispers at once.

 

\- _Well, we're finally face to face. I was wondering if you'd ever get out of that wreck you call a car._

 

Sam has to restrain his brother or this one would have run to make them pay just for saying that. Dean frowns, his limbs starting to shaking violently, as the cold and the anger merge together to create a violent fire in his veins. Finally, one of the silhouettes walks to them, escape the darkness surrouding them to get in the light of the full moon.

It's a man, quite tall, with brown hair. He blinks and his eyes become normal blue irises. He smiles at them, but he's staring straight at Dean.

 

\- _Who are you!?_   shouts Dean, trying to free himself from Sam's grip.

 

\- _Well, what I can say is that you know us, Dean._

 

Dean seems confused when he hears his answer and frowns even more.

 

_\- I don't understand. What the hell are you talkin' about!?_

 

The man smiles and invites the group behind him to approach with a sign of his hand. They come into the light that illuminates their faces. There's something wrong about them. Not just the fact they look dead with their veiled eyes and their blue lips, but the darkness that emanates from them. You look at them and you shiver because all you can see is the blood on their hands and their sharp teeth, while they still looking perfectly normal. It's like seeing two pictures at the same time. They're evil, and your heart hides inside your chest just at the very thought of it.

Dean is staring at him, a silent war raging in his eyes. He still doesn't understand what the guy is talking about. The man seems to read his thoughts.

 

\- _First I'd like you to meet my brothers and sisters. Guys, say hi!_

 

What seems to be an answer is shouted by the group, but it sounds like of pack of rabid wolves. The leader smiles.

 

 _-_ _Yeah, nice to meet you and your dogs, but that doesn't answer my question_ , answers Dean, with the same controled violence in his voice.

 

_\- Dean, my good friend. Let me explain to you. You probably never heard about us, but it doesn't matter. We are the Thieves._

 

Dean raises an eyebrow.

 

_\- Should I be impressed or...?_

 

 _\- Yes, you should_ , he answers and suddenly the man's voice is not friendly anymore, sounding like broken glass and fire. _Because if you knew who we are, you'd beg for mercy, little man. But I'm in a good mood so I'll be patient with you. After all, we kind of know each other, no?_

 

He starts walking to Dean, each ones of his steps sounding like a distant thunder, as the sky is illuminating by the lightning. Sam and Castiel both raises their weapons but the man moves a hand and they're on the ground, next to each other, incapable of moving. Dean looks at them and makes a small sign of head to say he's doing fine.

The man started to circle around him like a shark with his prey, coming so close Dean can feel his breathing on his face. Suddenly he takes Dean's arm and press it right where the Mark was a few months ago.

 

\- _We were here, Dean_ , the man says, hissing the hunter's name. _We've always been._

 

He lets Dean's arm fall and steps back to look at him. His blue eyes seem almost white in the moonlight.

 

_\- See, at the very beginning we were free, running this world like we wanted. We did whatever we wanted, very dark things, things that would make you have nightmares. We were the princes in a new young world, ready to sit on the golden throne. Nothing could have stopped us. We were invicible. With time, we could have made rivers of blood, castles of bones and coats of skin. We could have bring fire, pain and grief to the newborn your dear Earth was. But unfortunately, time is a volatile thing, we always think it belong to us, while we're simply its puppets._

_So God came and decided we were too dangerous for this planet and trapped us somewhere we could never escape: the Mark. There was literally no hope left, we were destined to be in this prison of flesh forever. Do you know how many time we waited for this moment?_ _Without your stupid little brother and the celestial dog we have there, it wouldn't have be possible._

 

He turns to look at Castiel, whose eyes are now as dark as night. Then he walks to him and squats next to him. He stares at him pensively, like he was observing some kind of curious animal. Suddenly, in a motion too rapid to be human, he takes Cas' chin in one hand, forcing him to look at him.

Dean's reaction is immediate, he tries to move but his feet are like stuck on the ground.

 

\- _Don't touch him, son of a bitch!_ he shouts and his voice resonates in the fields, shaking the trees.

 

The demon, the Thief, ignores him and dives his eyes into Cas'.

_\- Yeah, you totally heard me, Castiel, the good Angel of the Lord, the Warrior from the skies. You are so beautiful and yet, you're nothing less than a dog to them. Coming when they want to, doing what they want you to do. Humanity is such a dangerous thing, isn't it? I think you're the best example of what it can do to our kind. Totally fell for the green eyes of this one, uhm?_

_But you are like a little brother to me, even if I never knew you, and I won't judge you for that. You see, when you and your friend free us on Earth, I didn't knew what angels looked like. But then, now I see you. I must admit I'm kind of pleased of what I see. This grace... well I think we're all jealous of this little beauty. But there's something I must ask, where are your wings, angel? I really want to see them... don't you, my brothers!?_

 

The group screams with excitement, and the demon smiles. He gets up, holding Cas by the collar of his coat with one hand, like Castiel was as heavy as a feather. For the first time since they get out of the Impala, fear paralyses the angel, his bloodshot eyes wide open. The Thief forces him to stand next to him and snaps his fingers.

Coming out of nowhere, two wings appear, like there have always been there. Cas let a small scream of pain escape his lips, as some drops of blood start running slowly on his back, where the wings start.

Dean is speechless, incapable of making a sound. He saw the shadows of Cas' wings the day they met, but it was nothing compared to this. And what he sees breaks his heart.

 

He always imagined big, black wings made of long and sharp feathers, impressive and majestic. Something that could take you to the sky, strong enough to hold you for hours. But they're nothing like that, nothing like they used to be.

There are only small, dark feathers, all broken and tattered with fragile bones. Wind is brushing against them, but it's seem to only cause Cas pain. Dean hates to think that but they look simply miserable.

 

The demon has a smile while Cas lowers his head and closes his eyes, knowing Dean is looking at him. The Thief passes a hand on them, slowly stroking their dull surface. Cas shivers, trying to move them away from the monster who keeps smiling with all his teeth.

 

 _\- Well,_ _I'm disappointed._ _I was expecting something a bit more... interesting._

 

The Thieves behind him laugh. The man puts his mouth next to Cas' ear, whispering to him.

 

_\- You're pathetic._

 

And then he pushes him away, throwing him directly into Dean's arms. Castiel is shaking violently, his wings trembling on his back. His angel blade fell on the ground, and his now painfully bright under the moon. Dean silently strokes Cas' hair, trying to appease him while he glowers at the demon.

This one stares back at him, visibly proud, when a sudden loud detonation can be heard and a bullet hits him right in the head, ripping the flesh on his cheek apart. It does nothing, except making the demon angry. Really angry. His eyes are back to black and a deep growl comes out of his throat, as he's turning his head to where the bullet was from.

Sam is standing, his hand always raised with the gun in it.

The demon has a little laugh. His wound is horrible to look at, as a thick and black liquid come out of it.

 

_\- Yeah, I almost forgot about you. The little boy, the small broken thing. Living in your brother's shadow, while all your mistakes are slowly eating your heart. Quite famous, I must say. The demon blood, Lucifer, Hell... I'm impressed! But you see, you're not more interesting than anyone here. You're just a little ant I can walk on. And you're gonna pay for-_

 

Sam shots him four more times, in the stomach and the legs, and no emotions cross the hunter's face. The demon bites his lips to not scream, trying to control the fire growing in his limbs. He opens his eyes wide, like he was suprised of what he was feeling. And Dean thinks it may be the first time he feels pain.

 

\- _WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!_ he shouts, and it's now a million voices that resound in Sam's head.

 

The demon turns to look at Dean, and this one can see the bloodlust making small flames in the depths of the man's eyes.

 

\- _You cannot kill me, Dean! I'm not the one who_ _is gonna_ _die tonight!_

 

He snaps his fingers once again and the blow of the explosion behind them throws Dean and Castiel on the ground. The angel protects the hunter with his body, covering him with his poor wings. Dean turns to see the Impala surrounded by dark orange flames, licking the black shiny surface. The fire crackles deeply, projecting sparks everywhere and some of them even fall on Cas' wings, who has to shake them to throw the burning ashes away.

Dean has a strangled cry, watching the car slowly disappear. He turns to look at the Thief, his eyes full of anger. He tries to scream but no sound comes out of his mouth, and his throat is burning. Cas feels bad for him, he knows how much Dean loved it. The demon start talking and his voice feels like knives in their head.

 

_\- Do you know why we are called the Thieves?_

 

Dean is still staring at him, his bright eyes full of pure rage. The Demons sighs and continues his speech.

 

 _-Of course, you don't._ _But let me tell you._

_All creatures have their little powers, their little secrets. Ours is that we can literally suck your life out of you. We can steal your soul, and then we eat your memories and everything that makes you who you are. As you may know with your brother, you can live without your soul. So either you're very lucky and we kill you, or you spend the rest of your life numb and cold, empty and broken inside. You become a ghost._

_For centuries, we ate everything we could find, from the soul of the animals to the spirit of Nature growing around them. It felt good, but it was never enough. We were still starving, and the hunger can literally drive you crazy._

_And then when you free us, we discovered the humans' souls. Dear, that was so beautiful. We sip your life and it feels like we're drinking liquid gold. It fills us softly. But all the souls are different, Dean. I wonder what yours taste like._

 

The demon tilts his head, observing the hunter. Dean shivers, feeling the monster looking directly inside him, like he was an open book. Finally, some words escape his mouth, his voice still low and broken.

 

_\- What... do you.. want?_

 

The demon laughs, like it was the most stupid question he has ever heard.

 

_\- What I want? What I want!? I want revenge._

_See, all this time we spent together, it make us feel like you were our new... home. We started to like you, Dean Winchester. And we know the feeling was the same for you. That kinda makes us lovers. S_ _o when we escaped, we felt lost and blind. We searched for you, everywhere, for months. And when we finally found you, you were trying to find a way to kill us. To **destroy** us. _ _That's how you thank us, for everything we offered you!? That was a shock, I must admit. Your betrayal... it brought us a lot of pain, Dean._

 

_\- Well sorry for hurtin' your feelings, buddy, but I don't care. You see the problem?_

 

Dean's voice was back to the normal but his limbs were still paralysed. The smoke coming out of the Impala makes him cough. He feels its ashes entering his lungs, devastating his body. The sound coming from the fire behind him was almost like a cry of pure, terrible pain.

 

The demon raises an eyebrow, more dark liquid coming out of his devastated face

 

_\- So that's how you wanna play? Well then let's play._

 

He whistles and like a wave, all the Thieves behind him walks to him and the wind moves around them, glowing of darkness. There's a sudden lighting hitting the ground at the right place the demon was and they can hear a scream of victory, filling the silence of the night. The ground shakes under them and a violent red light blinds them. Dean puts a hand in front of his eyes to protect them. There are horrible sounds coming out of the group like bones breaking, flesh riping apart and teeth chattering.

 

Finally, the light fades slowly and the three men can see what happened. The Thieves disappeared and only one silhouette stand in front of them. It's always the same man, except his eyes are now bright red, swirling with shades of orange and gold like a living fire. He seems taller, and more muscular. His hair is darker than the night, and when he opens his mouth, Dean can see his fangs.

He suddenly spreads two black leathery wings with sharp spikes, covered by glowing red veins. They are so huge they hide the horizon and the moon from Dean. The demon moves them a bit to taste the caress of the wind on them. He finally stares back at them with his ablaze eyes, and Dean notices his wound disappeared.

 

_\- Bow to us, Dean and allow us to take your body! We could do amazing things together! Let us in and you'll be saved! All you have to do is be ours forever, and you friends will live! For a reason we don't know, we're way more powerful with you, but you have to accept, or we cannot enter your soul without the Mark._

 

Dean's answer echoes in the road.

 

_\- FUCK OFF!_

 

The demon smirks and turns to Sam, always standing with his gun pointing at him. The Thief blows and a red smoke escapes his mouth, flying around him before touching Sam right in his heart. He gasps with pain and shakes his head, like chasing a vision away, putting his hands on his ears.

After a few seconds, when he raises his head, the blue-green disappeared of his eyes and a red veil now invades them. He stopped screaming and he's now as motionless as a lifeless puppet. When Dean shouts his name, he turns his head, blankly staring at him like his brother was invisible.

The demon reaches for him with long, bony fingers and grabs his shoulder. Dean tries to get up but his legs refuse to hold him. He gives a scared look to Cas, who is as useless as him, one of his broken wing on the hunter's back.

The demon now stands behind Sam, his hands on the younger hunter's shoulders. His wings shine under the moonlight as they surround him like claws. Sam's eyes are still on his brother, like silently asking for help.

 

_\- Let us in Dean, or your brother will pay because you are too weak!_

 

_\- Don't you dare touch him or I'll kill you!_

 

_\- You can't, you're just a human and we are the future! There are some battles you can't win, you may try to fight but in the end, it will be in vain. Accept your destiny and we promise he'll live, or be the selfish man you are and he'll die!_

 

Dean's breathing is rapid, and his heart aches in his chest. He definitely can't trust them. What if once he has accepted, they kill both Sam and Cas right in front of his eyes, using his own hands? Dean has already done enough wrong things in his life, he can't let it happen again. But he's in a trap: either he accepts and **maybe** they have a chance to survive, or he refuses and they are sure to die.

He blinks and takes a deep breath, feeling like he's gonna throw up. What can he do? Does he really have the choice?

Castiel's eyes are imploring him, and he's holding Dean's arm so tight his knuckles are white.

 

_\- Dean, don't do that. You know they'll never respect their promise!_

 

 _\- I know,_ whispers Dean in a breath, _but I can't let them kill Sam, you understand? He's all I've got, Cas..._

 

His voice breaks and bright tears fill his green eyes. He represses a sob that feels as heavy as a rock on his chest. The fear and the pain make it hard to breathe.

 

\- _Just... trust me_ , he finally says.

 

 

He turns to faces the demon, still unable to get up.

 

_\- I accept. Now let my brother go._

 

The Thief doesn't look at him anymore, but plays with Cas' angel blade he picked up while they were talking.

 

_\- Fascinating, isn't it? I've heard these little toys were very powerful. Maybe I should get one for myself... I wonder what they can really do.._

 

Finally, he raises his head to look at the green eyed hunter.

 

_\- I admire your devotion, Dean. You'd do absolutely anything to save the ones you love. To protect them from grief and pain._

_These two, they're the only thing that matter to you. They're the only things that kept you away from the edge, from losing yourself. I'd like to know what you'd be without them..._

 

_\- I don't understand, I said I accepted your deal and-_

 

_\- You're so naive, it's adorable! You don't deserve what's gonna happen to you but well, I have no other choice..._

 

_\- What are you talkin-_

 

The demon smiles at him and this smile makes Dean's whole body shiver.

 

_\- Who's hungry!?_

 

The night answers him, whispering and screaming, cold and burning. The Thief dives his eyes into Dean's as he's still playing with the knife, making invisible drawings on Sam's chest.

Dean stops breathing. His heart stops for a second, his blood freezes in his veins. It's too late.

 

_\- Say goodbye, Dean._

 

 

 

_**11.50 p.m** _

And then the demon stabs Sam.

Makes the silver angel blade drown in his flesh, open up his chest, rip his skin, pierce his lungs, destroy his heart.

 

The young hunter's eyes are suddenly bright again, their blue and green shades free of the Thief's curse. The demon releases him, disgust painted on his face. He actually sees Sam's soul, all broken and dirty, and suddenly he doesn't want to taste it anymore.

Sam's mouth is now filled with a thick, dark blood. He chokes and several drops fall on the white snow that covers the road. He falls on his knees, his body suddenly too weak to hold him. One of his hand is on his open chest, where his heart's still beating desperately. He tries to stop the bleeding, but it flows like water through his fingers.

 

Dean's scream resonates in the fields, the trees, the moutains. His cry is so painful everything around them is suddenly quiet. The nature listens to this plaint echoing in the night.

He tries to move but his body is heavy as a stone.

 

Sam's eyes are now on him, tears slowly rolling on his cheeks, as he articulates silently Dean's name. He tries to get up to walk to his brother, but his strengh is slowly leaving him, as well with the light in his irises.

Dean crawls to him, fighting against the Thief's power. This one looks at him, fascinated. Like those kids who take pleasure to watch a bird slowly dying. There is the same madness in his stare.

 

Once Dean's close enough, he takes Sam in his arms, his body shaking violently, his sobs hurting inside his chest.

 

_\- Sam... please stay with me... ok this is gonna be.. this is gonna- I'm gonna-_

 

He's out of breath. He takes his brother's head in his palms, forcing him to look at him. Sam's eyes are starting to become blurry, the life quitting them more and more each second. He blinks quickly, trying to have a clear vision of Dean's face. He tries to smile but he winces when he feels his skin and flesh burning.

 

 _-_ _Dean... Dean listen_.

 

He doesn't see anything now, except the emerald eyes full of tears in front of him. That's a beautiful vision. His brother still grips his jacket, blood covering his hands. Sam's words are confused, his mind starting to leave his body. His head is heavy, like sleep was calling him. He already feels a soft warmth growing inside him, calming his pain, taking him away from this world.

 

_\- Dean... I'm sorry..._

 

_\- Shut up... Sam this is gonna be fine!_

 

Sam puts his forehead on his brother's, leaning on him, his strengh now entirely gone. He whispers, as he closes his eyes.

 

_\- I'm... proud of us.._

 

_\- Yeah.. me too, Sam and you know I need you, ok? I couldn't do anythin' without you, you hear me? And I don't know what I would've been without you by my side and... I need you to stay here and... and... Sam?_

 

His brother's head is suddenly too heavy, like he was too weak to hold it anymore. Actually, all his body is motionless and Dean can't feel the rapid rythm of his breathing anymore.

 

_No.no.no.no.no.no.no._

 

It can't be possible. Dean doesn't want to see that or he knows he'll lose his mind. He can't...

 

Air feels like fire in his lungs and his tears are acid on his skin. He takes his brother against him and without realizing, starts rocking him softly, like he was just helping him to fall asleep. A scream of grief grows in his throat, taking all the space, making his breath coming in small gasps.

 Everybody will live this moment one day. The moment they'll cross the line of their own sanity. When they'll realize how miserable their lives are and how they can't do anything about it.

This day will be the darker of their existence and they may never get up after it. It's the point of no return. It's too late to turn back and enter the light again.

 

An obsessive song was on repeat inside Dean's head, his heart screaming the painful truth to him. That couldn't be over, and yet it was. Sam's closed eyelids are real, as well as his dead heart and his skin that is slowly becoming colder. Dean didn't want that... he was ready to sacrifice himself to protect him... and it was in vain.

Everything, since the beginning, was entirely his fault. Of course, he didn't chose it, but all was connected to him.

How umbelievable is it that all the things you do, can resurface one day and destroy your whole word? If Dean didn't get the Mark, he wouldn't have become a demon. He wouldn't have hurt Cas. He wouldn't have free the Darkness and the Thieves. Sam wouldn't be...

 

_\- Dean.._

 

Cas' low voice takes him away from the depths of his own mind, from the dark thoughts slowly poisining him.

He was sure the angel was next to him, feeling his presence by his side and even saw one of his wings over him and his brother. But now he notices he doesn't feel the warmth of his body next to his.

He slowly raises his eyes, Sam's head always pressed against his chest. It's impossible to Dean to release him. He can't get up, he can't live anymore. He already lost him too many times.

 

Dean's wounded heart stops. The Thief holds Cas against him, his red eyes staring at Dean behind the angel. He pass the bloody angel blade on his face and his neck, visibly enjoying the fear emanating of Cas.

  _No._ Not again. He already has his brother's blood on his hands, he can't have the angel's too. He puts Sam on the ground, gently laying him down on the snow. The sight of him like this, without his wide smiles and his golden heart, it makes Dean wanting to fall and drown and never breathe again.

 

But he gets up, slowly, his knife in his hand, facing the Devil himself, if he's not worse. He can't say a word but he knows his eyes are darker than the night skies and darker than his soul. He's just numb now, nothing else matters.

He starts walking to put the knife in the Thief's heart, and he wants to turn him into nothing less but a puddle of guts and skin. He wants to crush his bones, feeling his skull break in his hands. He wants to rip his head out of his body, he wants to set fire to his eyes.

 

But the demon is close, too close to the angel, he holds him even tighter against him and Dean is so slow, so tired...

He tries to reach for Castiel but his body is dying, he's nothing less than an empty shell. He doesn't want the life in Cas' bright blue eyes to fade, he wants to see them open forever, looking at him. Saving him when he'll touch the ocean floor, saving him when the whiskey couldn't erase the sorrow and the guilt.

He needs him, he can't let him die.

 

He runs. He screams. He bleeds.

 

 

 

_**11:55 p.m** _

And the blade dives, dives in the angel's flesh. There's no blood, not all but a blinding blue light coming out of the wound.

Cas' scream reaches the skies, but is not as violent as Dean's.

 

The demon suddenly takes a deep breath, his wings wide open behind him. What seems to be a melody comes out of his mouth, floating in the October's breeze. He sings, with a deep and low voice, whispering words Dean doesn't understand. Like a hypnotized snake, Cas' grace escapes his body like a thin ribbon, shining in the night. It flies to the Thief's mouth and Dean understands.

He's stealing Cas' soul, eating his memories, his past, his fears, his love...

 

\- _NO, NO STOP IT!_ screams Dean at the top of his lungs.

 

It's too late, always too late, the demon already drank all of his soul in one breath, and his eyes briefly shine with a bright blue, the one Dean loved. The Thief's song still floats in the breeze, ringing in the hunter's ears.

There's one more explosion of light, and Cas' wings are suddenly covered by a pale blue fire, the dark feathers turning into grey ashes.

 

He falls on the road, and right before his head hits the ground, Dean catches him in his arms. And it's not like his brother. The angel is already gone, and the hunter can't feel his last breath, and he knows behind his eyelids there are dead blue eyes.

Dean can't even scream anymore, his mouth is as dry as a desert. His heart is beating angrily in his chest but he doesn't pay attention to it. His look goes from his brother, lying on the ground as the snow slowly cover his body, to Castiel in his arms, cold as ice.

 

He gets up, taking the angel with him, walking with him the better he can do. He lies him on the road, next to his brother. He takes the gun that was still in Sam's hand, and represses a sob when he touches his glacial fingers. The demon is still staring at him and Dean notices he glows slightly, like there was a pale blue light under his skin.

Dean gives him his look back then lays down on the ground, between his brother and the angel. He feels the cold. He sees the stars above him. He feel the pain in his heart.

 

He turns his head to look at Sam. Some of his dark brown hair flies in the wind and blood makes a warm puddle under his body, staining his shirt.

On the other side, there's Cas, looking almost asleep with his closed eyelids and his eyelashes resting on his cheeks.

 

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die. Like you just sit in an empty theater and watch your existence, from its beginning to its end.

Some parts of Dean's memory are missing, and what he remembers comes in rapid white flashes, illuminating his mind.

 

 

His blurry childhood memories, the face of his mother, her blonde smooth hair tickling his face when she was kissing him before he went to sleep. Him, running, escaping the burning house, Sam still tiny and innocent in his arms.

**FLASH**

He's almost adult, he sees Sam having a perfectly normal life. He remembers their first hunts, the adrenalin running in their veins. He hears the old rock at full volume in the Impala. The wide smile of his brother. The truck hitting their car. His dad, dead because he chose to save them.

**FLASH**

The Hell Hounds growling, the pain when he feels their claws on his chest as they rip his lungs apart. The chains in his flesh, the flames burning under him as he screams his brother's name.

**FLASH**

Sitting on the Impala, sipping beers with Sam while the setting sun makes the sky turning blood-red. The sound of the cars on the roads, the planes above their heads. The bright colors in the bedrooms of the motels they slept in.

**FLASH**

Finding Cas in the Purgatory, the happy jump his heart made in his chest, the moment he holds the angel in his arms. He was the only spark in this black and white land, the beautiful among the ugly.

**FLASH**

Everytime Cas was there, everytime Dean was diving in his eyes, everytime he was thinking about him when he cannot sleep at night. The taste of his lips on his. The warmth of his hand. The things he'll never feel again.

**FLASH**

His brother and Cas smiling to him, as they walk the streets, laughing until their stomach hurt. The soft heat of alcohol making his thoughts lighter. His hands on his brother's shoulders and Cas' waist. The fireworks, the stars shining, the snow falling and falling and falling...

**FLASH**

 

He puts the gun on his temple. He hears the demon screams, he hears his steps coming to him.

 

_\- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?_

 

Dean closes his eyes. He didn't even notice tears were slowly rolling on his cheeks. The memories that came to his mind weren't all sad, and they weren't happy either. All his life was made of these moments that felt bittersweet on his tongue.

For a hunter, he lived quite a long time. Of course he wished it could have last longer, and that he could have end his old days the face bathed in the shining sun, Cas next to him, his brother not so far away.

 

Dean thinks of all the things he'll never have. Of all the happiness he'll never feel, of all the love left in his heart with no one to give it to. He'll never get old and wake up each morning next to the person he loves.

In this moment, death was way softer than life. If he chooses to survive, he'll be nothing less than a ghost, haunting the Earth and emptiness will destroy him anyway in the end. He already feels dragged down by the sorrow and he knows it'll get worse each second. Is he strong enough to get up?

 

**FLASH**

Sam sipping his coffee while looking, fascinated at the band playing on the stage. Cas' eyes illuminated by the lightbulbs above his head, a golden halo on his face His brother's grin, his laugh. Dean's face buried in Cas' dark hair?

**FLASH**

 

Will he be capable of surviving a life where none of this exist?

 

 

_**12 p.m** _

Dean smiles. And pulls the trigger.

The detonation resonates and the skies shiver.


	5. Prayers to Blue Eyes

 

_DEAN!_

 

_Dean, this is not real! Dean!_

 

_WAKE UP!_

 

 

Dean falls, falls in a black hole, falls in the darkness. It's like millions of demons are dragging him down to Hell. He feels their hands around his arms, his neck, his legs...

His head hurts so bad, like knives stabbing him from the inside. He screams in the dark. He tries to open his eyes but his eyelids are heavy, like burning ashes on his irises.

His heart is like a drum in his chest, beating too fast, breaking his fragile bones and it's the greatest pain Dean has ever felt.

His throat burns, like he swallowed broken glass and his body bleeds of the millions wounds he cannot see.

 

_DEAN!_

 

What's that voice, calling him? It sounds like it's from far away, like Dean's on a ship on the raging sea and the voice is on the shore, small light on the horizon.

Dean tries to move but all his limbs are like paralysed.

 

He drowns even more in these poisining depths, and it's dark _oh_ so dark and he's suffocating. He tries to reach for this voice that sounds so soft and eases his soul, and it feels like caressing silk.

 

He's like a blind, terrified child, lost in this world. He's weak and suddenly he feels so cold, empty. He feels drops rolling on his skin, and maybe it's tears.

Or it's the rain. Yes, he can hear the thunder, he can see the lighting behind his closed eyelids. It feels like he's watching it behind a window, observing the storm outside, and yet the rain is still coming from above his head, sending cold drops on his cheeks.

 

He should be protected. But danger still covers his body with a cold sweat, while Dean feels like flames are slowly eating his soul.

 

Is it heaven? Is it what comes after you die? But why doesn't he feel peace? Why is his soul always so full of anger, and fear, and grief? Why is he still mourning the ones he loved?

No, it's impossible, that can't be real.. _No, no, no_ where are them now?

 

He's afraid and he can hear his blood flowing, he can hear the distraught beating of his heart in his ears.

 

Sam, he must find Sam. Where's he?

Dean whispers his name, and his words are full of pain, sounding more like the cry of a wounded animal than words anymore.

 

_Dean!_

 

He wants to answer, wants to say he's right here, wants to say he needs help.

_Save me!_   he wants to say.

 

The pain grows and grows, becomes umbearable. It feels like someone was ripping his skin, bones and veins apart, while he was still alive.

He tries to scream but no sound comes out of his mouth. The darkness invades his body, kills the last sparks of life.

 

He cannot breathe anymore, the air feels like acid in his lungs, burning him slowly from the inside. A sore, deep plaint comes out of his throat, fills the silence, fills the empty space around him.

The fear overruns his veins, freezes his blood, making his skin as white as the dead's.

 

_Dean, please wake up!_

 

He remembers this voice, the voice that always brings a soft warmth inside him. His mind flies, flies around him searching where it comes from. This voice is low, a bit coarse but at the same time so full of love and worry.

He must fight for it, must fight to find it. He's so close, he can almost feel it next to him. His strengh is slowly leaving him and Dean fears he'll be dead before he finally reaches it.

 

Suddenly, a blinding light appears on the horizon and Dean realises his eyes were open since the beginning, but the darkness was so thick it was impossible to see the difference...

A shrill sound comes out of nowhere and Dean's ears suddenly bleed. He falls on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

 

_Cas...Cas... Cas... Cas.... Cas... Cas... Cas... Cas.. CAS!?_

 

The voice, he knows it. Better than anyone. He sees the bright blue eyes looking at him. His heart jumps in his chest just by thinking of them.

He suddenly feels something fresh against his cheeks, like someone was slowly stroking his skin with cold palms, trying to calm him.

 

Dean wants to be free, he wants to break the chains around his wrists, the ones who sink into his flesh. He wants to join the light again, he wants to breathe again. He doesn't want to suffer anymore.

He fights against the darkness swallowing him whole, tries to reach for the light. Dean gets up and starts running, leaving the dark depths of his mind as fire was burning under his feet.

 

_Cas?_

 

The air shivers and glows around him, suddenly colored with a pale blue. It soothes his soul, holds him with tender, soft fingers. Dean stops moving but the light takes him in his arms and starts walking with him.

He starts feeling better when he hears whispers. It sounds like it's just behind him, and at the same time so far away. Dean shudders when he hears the low voice, chanting in a language he doesn't understand.

 

And yet, he knows it too well. He can hear too clearly the murmurs that hypnotized the angel's grace, that made it fly in the cold wind to the monster's mouth. He turns around, and he doesn't want to see, but his body is moving by itself, like he was not the one who controled it anymore.

 

The Thief is walking fast behind him, his dark wings on the wind, his red eyes staring at him, and he still holds the angel blade. When he smiles, Dean can see his bloody teeth, and fear stops his heart. His deep voice resonates in Dean's mind and he shivers when he feels his presence in his skull.

 

_Little butterfly, ephemeral little being... Thinks he got the eternity in front of him, and yet he will be dead before the sun rises again... He was born, and he'll be nothing than ashes the second after. Fly, fly into the cold night, will you? Like it could save you..._

 

The monster gets closer and closer and the light seems so slow. Now, Dean can feel his breathing on his neck and his fingers brushing against his skin. His touch burns Dean and his words feel like bullets in his heart.

 

He screams. His lungs are ablaze, but he needs to say this word.

 

_CAS!_

 

As an answer, the light gets brighter and surrounds him even more, like protecting him. The monster roars behind them.

 

_DEAN!?_

 

Dean drowns in the light, and screams when he feels the Thief's claws in his flesh. His body is on fire and he sees ashes flying behind him.

 

_DEAN!_

 

He breathes as the monster rips his heart out of his chest.

 

 

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

 

 

 

Dean wakes up suddenly, nearly jumping on his bed made of dark wood. For seconds, he can't breathe and his chest hurts.

He's covered by a glacial sweat, from his forehead to the back of his neck and his grey t-shirt is so soaked it has turned black.

 

He's shaking violently and he couldn't tell if it was from fear or cold. Or maybe it was both.

And yet it was that kind of cold that burned at the same time, and Dean felt like there were flames licking his face with burning tongues.

 

Shivers run on his whole body and Dean cannot stop them. He can't hold back the tears that make his vision blurry, and they start rolling slowly on his cheeks. He's suddenly invaded by an incredible sadness, breaking like waves around him as his world collapses.

 

That was just a dream.

Only a dream.

 

All his life, all his existence wasn't true. Everything he thought he lived wasn't real. As his memories slowly come back, one by one, he sighs deeply, even if his breaths are interrupted by the painful sobs coming of his chest.

He buries his face in his hands, fighting hopelessly the emotions he's drowning in. His tears roll on his hands and escape, falling on the white sheets surrounding him. His lips are trembling

 

His parents are alive. And so are Bobby, Charlie, Sammy and.... and Cas?

 

As the soft sound of this name haunts Dean's mind, he feels a hand gently stroking his back, making small circles between his shoulder blades. Dean tries to find some comfort in this touch but all his limbs are still as tense as a bow.

The bed creaks, the cold sheets move and suddenly there are two arms around him. A head is suddenly on his right shoulder, a face buried in his neck. The warm breaths caress Dean, and a soft heat grows where the hot skin touches his own. A fresh scent, made of what seems to be lemon and mint flies to Dean and he breathes deeply. It seems to wake him even more and suddenly he doesn't feel oppressed anymore. The air come easily in his lungs, fill them softly with liquid, invisible gold.

The soft hair tickling his bare skin moves under him and it feels cold where the head isn't there anymore. A low voice, still sounding quite asleep, comes to his ears, breaking the silence of the dark bedroom.

 

_\- Dean, are you ok?_

 

Dean moves slowly and raises his head to look at the person sitting next to him. He has to blink to focus on him, and the window behind the silhouette is the only light in the room. The immense, bright full moon shines behind the glass while the snow falls silently outside. The trees are slowly pushed by an Autumn breeze, and are almost entirely covered by the white coat.

Dean's eyes are back on who's next to him and he blinks again to chase the tears away, as he distinguishes the furniture of the room behind him. His heart misses a beat.

 

 

Cas is looking at him, his head slightly tilting to his side. He frowns silently but his eyes are full of worry. That's one thing that never changed for sure. He steps back on his knees and turns on the small light that was next to the bed.

A soft yellow light illuminates the room and warms up the atmosphere but it feels too bright to Dean, who closes his eyes a few moments until it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Cas' big blue eyes are still on him, asking him silently. Dean lowers his head and suddenly he notices his mouth is dry and that even if he wanted, he couldn't speak. The memories of his dream are too fresh, still too violent and clear in his mind. Instead of explaining himself, he plays with a thread coming out of his t-shirt, hopping Castiel will not ask him further and will go back to sleep.

Of course he does the opposite.

 

_\- Dean, you scared me. At first you were talking in your sleep and then it was like you were in a great pain and I... I didn't know what to do! You were crying and calling Sam's name... and then it was mine, and I tried to shake you to wake you up and you even answered me when I called your name!_

 

Dean swallows and it feels like thorns has grown in his throat. He feels guilty to awaked Cas. The dream is still there, haunting his thoughts.

 

_\- Dean? Can you say something, please?_

 

Dean suddenly doesn't feel good anymore.

Horrible visions hit him: Sam and Cas' bloody faces, their motionless bodies on the dark ground, the silver blade shining under the moon, the angel grace flying in the night...

A violent shiver shakes his whole body and a blurry veil covers his eyes.

 

He gets up suddenly, pushing the sheets away and walking as fast as he can to the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom.

More flashes of his dream come to his mind: everything about this unreal life that, for a couple hours, were his.

He falls on his knees and grips the toilets with both hands. His stomach hurts and suddenly he leans over the white surface. He starts to throw up and _God_ , how disgusting he is. How weak he is.

 

_You're pathetic._

 

Yeah, everybody had once faced strange or terrifying dreams but of course, he had to be the one who completely break down after one !?

 

A pasty taste fills his mouth and his breaths come in small gasps. His body throws everyhting away, until an acid bile starts burning his throat.

He feels Cas next to him, slowly rubbing his back with tenderness. He whispers kind words to him, telling him everything will be fine and that he's there for him.

 

A few minutes after, the retches finally stop, even if Dean is still weak and coughing from time to time. Cas gets up and grab a towel. He puts some fresh water on it and sits back next to Dean. This one sits too and leans on the bathtub that was behind him, avoiding Cas' eyes.

But Cas is determined and gets closer. He passes gently the towel on Dean's face, and has a small smile. He stands up again and goes outside the bathroom. Dean is still shaking like hell and stares blankly at the navy-blue walls. He feels so fucking ashamed to be seen like this by Cas. Like a wreck, like dirt. Cas shouldn't take care of him like this.

 

Castiel comes back a minute after, a glass of water in one hand, a clean t-shirt in the other. He puts the glass in Dean's hand.

 

_\- Ok, drink this, you'll feel better after._

 

Dean doesn't even try to argue, he swallows the water and Cas is right, it feels good, like it cleaned the inside of his body suddenly. The blue eyed man still passes the wet towel on his face, washing the sweat away.

He finally helps Dean getting the dirty t-shirt off and putting on the clean one. It may be weird but these small things help Dean a lot, he must admit. He feels really better, even if he's still cold and shaking. Cas takes his arm and they both get up slowly, all numb of sleep. Dean can feel his eyelids getting heavy, now that he doesn't feel like he is gonna throw up all his guts anymore.

 

They're back to the bedroom and Dean has a look at the alarm clock.

1 a.m is glowing in a pale blue on the black background.

 

He sighs and falls entirely on the bed, sliding under the sheets. Cas lays next to him and shuts the light.

They're both breathing silently in the dark when Cas' deep voice makes Dean's eyes open.

 

_\- You... you're not gonna tell me about your dream, aren't you?_

 

Dean waits a few seconds and he still feels this discomfort, this itch under his skin. He shivers and notices how cold he is.

Cas seemed to feel it too, so he gets closer, wrapping one of his arm around Dean's waist, the fingers of the other hand slowly passing through the light-brown of his hair. Dean lowers his head to bury his face in Cas' chest, smelling the soft scent of Cas' t-shirt, the one Dean gave him one day. Since that moment Cas always kept it, and to be honest Dean didn't care _at all_.

 

He was slowly feeling his body getting heavier and warmer, like Cas' presence seemed to solve all his problems as easily as he just snapped his fingers. He puts his own arm around Cas and holds him tight against him. The depths of sleep are calling him and he doesn't know why, he tries to fight it.

Maybe he's too afraid to make another disturbing dream, maybe he fears he'll never sleep peacefully again.

He moves his head a bit so his ear is on Cas' heart. It beats slowly, gently pushing against Cas' ribs like a small drum. Dean swallows.

 

_\- Cas?_   he finally says, his voice coarse and low.

 

_\- Hmm?_

 

Dean knows Cas is exhausted but he needs to throw away the heavy burden that is on his chest. He breathes deeply and makes a last effort to make his words clear.

 

_\- You are not gonna leave me, hm?_

 

His voice is a bit broken, like he's afraid of Cas' answer. He could totally understand if he was tired of him. He was already not easy to live with everyday, so if now he gets all these nightmares and doesn't let Cas sleep in peace, that won't be a surprise if he decided to leave.

But Cas smiles against his hair, holding Dean even closer and this one can literally _feel_ the affection emanating from him. A deep warmth starts growing in Dean, and his eyes are slowly closing and he has to blink a few times to stay awake. He wants Cas to answer him but he's so so tired...

 

Finally, sleep wins the battle and Dean melts in Cas' arms, curling up against him. He lets his breathing rock him, as well with the melodious beating of his heart. Dean can't even tell how umbelievable it is to be in that heart, and a part of him knows he'll never truly believe it.

 

\- _That's not gonna happen_ , finally answers Cas with a soft voice before he puts a kiss on the top of Dean's head.

Cas' arm that was around Dean's waist is now around his shoulders, keeping him as close as possible.

 

Dean's heart suddenly jumps in his chest. His previous fear is now nowhere to be seen and some kind of a delicious happiness took his place. _My god_ , that was a feeling to die for.

He breathes softly and before he falls asleep for real, he murmurs:

 

\- I lov' you...

 

He thinks Cas is already asleep but a few seconds after, his dear voice can be heard again.

 

\- I love you too, Dean.

 

Dean smiles in the dark and lets sleep takes him with its silky fingers, Cas' words on repeat in his head, echoing in the darkest parts of his mind like the sound of the waves breaking on the shore.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

 

It was the best night Dean has ever lived.

Well, except the bloody nightmare part, obviously.

 

But for the first time in a while, it was just a normal night, a warm and empty space surrounding him, with only some colorful lights flashing from time to time in the dark. If he dreamed again, he doesn't remember it, and the rest of the night passed by without a problem.

 

No death, no blood, no pain.

 

When he wakes up again, the October's pale sun shines through the window, as well with the blinding white of the snow on the trees. The room is softly illuminated and the warm brown walls shine under the morning's caress.

Dean lets a small sigh of bliss escape his lips and he moves a bit on the bed to look at Castiel.

This one is still asleep, his deep breaths like small storms on Dean's face. Even after sleep took his body, he's still holding Dean tight against him like he was afraid he'd disappear in the air like smoke. Dean observes him, putting his face on the white pillow next to Cas', staring at him with dreamy eyes.

He looks at his eyelashes brushing against his cheeks, his soft lips slightly open, the mask of innocence and vulnerability on his face. His black hair is all messy and some falls on his forehead.

 

Dean can't help it but puts a quick kiss on Cas' mouth. A muffled ' _hmm_ ' can be heard as Castiel moves, still numb of sleep. He opens slowly his eyes, blinking a few times. He finally stares at Dean, diving his clear irises into Dean's.

 

_-_ _Hey,_ he says with a coarse and low voice.

 

_-_ _Hey,_ answers Dean, giving him a small smile.

 

- _How are you?_ asks Cas softly.

 

A weird feeling hurts Dean in his stomach, a silent war raging inside his bones. He feels better, actually, but he can't deny the pieces of his dream at the back of his mind, playing on repeat since he awoke. They're not as powerful as before but they're still giving him one hell of a headache. He still manages to answer to Cas.

 

_\- 'm fine._

 

Cas frowns a bit, and doesn't seem really convinced.

 

_\- You sure? I can call Sam and tell him-_

 

_\- Sam? Why?_

 

Cas looks at him, suddenly very serious. He sits up straight, his eyes still on Dean.

 

_\- You remember we have family at home for dinner tonight, don't you?_

 

Dean thinks for a second, he doesn't to worry Cas even more.

 

_\- Hmm, yeah of course. And I said I'm fine, ok?_

 

Cas stares at him for a few more seconds, trying to read Dean's emotions. Then, he nods, the same shadows of wonder in his eyes.

 

_\- Well then, I'm gonna prepare breakfast. You're coming?_

 

Dean smiles and raises his head to give Cas one more kiss.

 

_\- Just gimme two seconds, alright?_

 

Cas nods again and gets out of bed, leaving with regret the warmth of the blankets. Dean can hear his steps on the old wood of the stairs as he lies on their bed, staring at the ceiling.

He sighs and passes a hand in his hair. He has a look to the alarm clock: it's almost 10 p.m. He can't even remember the last time he slept this late. His nights were usually very short and unfortunately, interrupted with dreams that made no sense. Except for his last one.

He sits on the edge of the bed, kind of lost for a second. Then, he shakes his head and finally gets up to open the window. The October's breeze enters the room and the cold bites Dean's skin. He observes for a while the landscape outside, from the moutains far away, to the black ribbon of road next to the house. The sun tries to get through the dark clouds but only some rays manage to pierce them and the sky looks just like a painting.

 

 

Dean remembers how happy Cas and he were when they finally bought the house, how the feeling of finally have their own place warmed up their hearts. It was some kind of a pretty little chalet, covered by dark wood from the floor to the ceiling, surrounded by a small forest of firs.

The minute he entered the house, Cas loved the warm and soothing atmosphere that seemed to emanate from it. He was acting like a little child, observing the empty rooms with wide open eyes and a giant grin painted on his face. He was giving some looks to Dean from time to time, almost begging him with eyes that totally said ' _I want it and I'll not talk to you anymore if you refuse_ '.

Dean admitted he had a pleasant feeling when he opened the front door. He couldn't explain it but he felt immediately at home.

They finally decided to think about it before doing anything, and during the way back to their crappy apartment, Cas couldn't shut up about _how beautiful_ and _how_ _amazing_ that house was.

A week later, Dean came back at home with a surprise for Cas. This one had a hard day at the hospital where he worked and gave him a tired look when Dean arrived with a big grin on his face. Dean just shrugged and said:

 

_\- It's ours._

 

Cas raised an eyebrow, waiting for Dean to explain himself. Instead of an answer, Dean just took his hand and put some keys in it. Cas lowered his head to look at them, frowning. He readed what's written on the small key chain.

 

_\- That's... that's the adress of the house we visited, isn't it? But why.._

 

He suddenly seemed to understand and raises his head violently, his eyes suddenly wide open, asking Dean silently and this one just smiled at him. Cas opened and closed his mouth several times, incapable of saying anything.

 

_-_ _Unless you prefer staying there..?_ asked Dean, a smirk on his face as he points at the dull colors of the walls surrounding them.

 

Cas threw himself into Dean's arms, his blue eyes full of happy tears. He couldn't stop whispering ' _I can't believe it, I can't believe it Dean'_ as he held Dean in his arms. He finally took Dean's head in his hands and kissed him passionately.

They moved a few days after, since they didn't have much in their past house.

 

Dean let Cas decided how he wanted to decorate their new home, as this one was way more talented with everything that was about decoration and other stuff like that. And he was always in a better mood than Dean, you know that kind of person who puts things like ' _Home Sweet Home_ ' or ' _Keep Dreaming_ ' everywhere.

He chose dark but warm colors, adding a lot of small details such as old objects he found or paintings he particularly liked, to turn the chalet into a real piece of art. Dean always joked about how Cas was probably some kind of a crazy artist in a previous life, a weird guy who painted chubby angels on the cathedrals' ceilings. Cas glowered at him, telling him he was just sensible to art, before they both started laughing uncontrollably, holding their painful ribs.

They spent their first night in their new house on the floor of the salon, after throwing some blankets and pillows on the smooth wood. They stared at the dancing orange and gold flames in the old fireplace, holding each other and breathing the heavenly air around them.

 

 

Dean smiles at these memories, as it was certainly one of his favorite. That kind he'll remember forever. He passes a hand on his face and rubs his dry eyes.

He finally walks to the bathroom, and puts some cold water on his already hot skin. When he raises his head, he observes his face and his heart hurts a bit.

 

He got huge dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, and their green seems more dull than ever. He seems also a lot paler, or maybe it's just the small lights above his head. He sighs deeply, trying to free his chest from this oppressive burden he cannot name.

Feeling bad and full of sorrow all the time without knowing why is awful. It is like drowning suddenly while you were just walking on the sand, far away from the violent waves. It comes out of nowhere and it takes you by surprise. Just add the panic attacks that make you wanting to jump out of your skin, and you got that itch growing in your bones, making you feel like your body was nothing but a cage. Dean felt like it has ever been this way, that he never felt completely ok with himself, but well, he get used to it...

He lives in a never ending fear, always looking around for threats. He's always afraid that something terrible will happen, no matter what he does. Not only for himself, but also for his family and his rare friends. He know he'll be nothing without them.

 

Maybe that's why he had such a horrible dream. Fighting against forces that were beyond everything he knew, always surrounded by the dear friends that were grief and pain.

Dean shivers. _How shitty was it to live inside his head?_

 

He looks at his reflection once again and exhausted green eyes stare back at him, silently asking him the questions that haunted his mind. He sighs and leaves the bedroom.

He goes down the stairs and with every steps he makes, the old wood creaks under his feet. He can already smell the delicious smell of breakfast filling the whole house and he can't help but have a small smile.

He enters the kitchen to see Cas busy making some pancakes, when at least ten of them are already on a plate next to him. He put on his earphones and moves slightly his head to the sound of the music.

 

There, that was another thing that was very different between them. Dean liked loud, aggressive old rock music while Cas liked the soft music better, such as alternative or that thing he called 'indie'. At the beggining, each of them were always arguing about what was the best, but after a while, they started to borrow each other's iPods, and it wasn't a problem anymore.

 

Cas didn't seem to hear Dean coming, so this one walks without a noise and stands behind Castiel. He suddenly wraps his arms around Cas' waist, holding him tight against his chest, his head leaning on the dark haired man's shoulder.

Cas turns his head to look at him and has a soft smile. He removes one of his earbud. Dean breathes deeply, enjoying being this close to Cas, to this flawless human being, to the person he always wished for. He puts a kiss on the back of his neck and then finally releases him.

 

_\- What was that for?_   asks Cas, smiling at Dean.

 

Dean shruggs and sits at the round table of their kitchen.

 

_\- I dunno', I was in a good mood._

 

He looks at Cas, his eyes travelling on his body and his still messy hair, and a wild gleam appears in his eyes.

 

_\- And maybe you look kinda great today..._

 

_\- Shut up._

 

Dean makes a false surprised face and puts a hand on his chest, like he was profondly shocked.

 

_\- Did I hear it right? You swearing? Am I still dreamin'!?_

 

Cas rolls his eyes without stopping smiling and puts the last pancake on the plate, then puts it in front of Dean. This one pours some syrup on them, looking at the golden liquid flowing, and eats one in a bite. Cas stares at him, desperated.

 

_-_ _What?_ asks Dean, his mouth still full of food.

 

Even if Cas' smile is still as soft as honey, his blue eyes are suddenly serious, and Dean can hear worry piercing through his voice.

 

_\- We have to talk about what happened last night, and you know it._

 

Dean swallows hardly. _Oh shit, not again._

He almost forgot it until Cas made him remember. Honestly, he'd do anything just to erase this cursed night from his mind. And he didn't want to talk about it, it was embarassing enough.

 

_\- Cas, that's ok..._

 

He tries to be gentle, because he knows how his mood can change as suddenly as the summer sky can turn into a violent storm. He doesn't control it, even if he tries to. He has always been this way, getting angry for nothing, a dark flame burning inside his heart. Anybody who knew Dean tried to do avoid anything that could put him in such a rage.

Being in that kind of mood when some random asshole bothers him? That was totally fine. But yelling at Castiel for nothing, and see the clear tears illuminating his eyes as he was trying to keep a straight face, then that was a problem. Dean was so grateful to have him, because he always thought he'd be alone for his whole life. If Cas wasn't there, who could bear a paranoid and cold cunt like him? Who would even want to know him?

Not that love was everything in life, there are way more important things, but nobody would actually appreciate the emptiness you feel inside when you're alone. Being loved by somebody is already a soft heat inside your soul, but being loved by the one you'd die for, it's a real fire burning all your body.

 

And Cas was different.

He was everything.

 

 

Dean would never forget the first time they met. He was sitting at a bar, drowning his usual sorrow in a glass of gold whiskey when Cas entered the place. Dean felt his jaw dropped suddenly, and he couldn't take his eyes off that strange-looking man.

It was a violent stormy evening, and Dean would have swear the lightning illuminated the bar at the exact moment Cas pushed the glass door, as well with the thunder ripping apart the silence of that Sunday night.

Cas sat, only one seat separating them, and ordered a glass of whiskey. Dean must have looked like a total freak, staring at the dark haired man like he was his sun and stars, and yet a complete stranger. There was something about him, something he couldn't describe, that made him looking more beautiful than everyone in the room. Maybe that was that messy, raven hair, or those bright and calm blue eyes. Or maybe that soft but strong aura floating around him, and Dean knew he was the kind of person you just cannot explain. He's there, and yet it feels like he's from a complete different galaxy.

At this point, Dean thought he was probably already drunk and forced himself to look back at his glass. But that was beyond his strengh and a few minutes after, he finally turned his head to give a discreet gaze to the man. His heart jumped when he met blue eyes, already staring at him. _Shit._

It's been seven years now, but Dean will never be over it. The rest of the evening was kind of awkward, but they ended up sitting right next to each other, chatting as the alcohol blurred their thoughts. In a few hours, they had already said more about themselves than they have ever done. Anyone who would have walked in the bar in that very moment would have thought they're two very good friends, the kind that know each other for centuries. When they get out of the bar, it was with big grins on their faces and the other's number on their phones.

 

They started to meet after that, sometimes in coffee shops, sometimes to see a band playing in that little park, sometimes when they just wanted to stop that loneliness.

 

Because that's what they were. Lonely.

Desperated to pierce that veil surrounding them, and scream to everyone ' _Why can't you see me!? I may be broken, but I'm not just that!'._ And until then, their screams only echoed in the thick darkness of the night.

They both thought it was the beginning of a strong friendship, but they soon realised something way more dangerous was hiding behind it. Their crave for someone's presence became a painful desire to be with _that one_ person.

 

One day, Dean was in a particularly bad mood and hasn't answer Cas' messages for about a week. This one was of course really worried and went to Dean's place to see what was happening. This one opened the door and his numb, cold face scared Cas, made him think that maybe he didn't know all about these mysterious green eyes.

Dean yelled at him and told him to go far away from him, that he'll never want someone like him, that he was nothing for him. Cas was mumbling, tears filling his eyes in the late afternoon. He was trying to talk but Dean wouldn't listen, he just pushed him away, again and again. He slammed the door and Cas was left in front of his apartment, incapable of doing anything.

Dean didn't want to hurt him, and just the very thought of doing something bad to someone like Cas was impossible. The second he closed the door, he fell on his knees and buried his face in his hands, burning tears rolling on his skin. He was in a really bad time, his thoughts getting darker and darker, and he couldn't bear it anymore. He knew he had to calm before talking to Cas again, but unfortunately it seemed that Castiel cared way too much about him to wait.

 

_Fuck._ Couldn't he just leave him alone?

Dean was not good, everything he touched turned to dust, or was left dead inside. Before, he would have move on, telling himself it was just another soul he broke, but this time it was different. He couldn't forgive him for what he had just done.

When the air of his apartment felt like a cage around him, he left and started walking in the empty dark streets, letting his thoughts guide him. But instead of taking him to the nearest bar, his feet walked to Cas' small house and before Dean would even realize, he was in front of the honey colored wood of the front door, a hand in the air ready to knock. Before he could have touch it, Cas opened it suddenly and Dean knew Cas saw him arrive.

 

It was another night where the weather was as bad as his mind, and the rain fell on the city. Dean was soaked and drops of cold rain covered his face, his hair, his hands. Cas looked at him, silent bloodshot eyes.

Dean couldn't explain, the words would just come out of his mouth. And words were shit, they never sounded like you wanted. They were always... tasteless.

He made a step to Cas and this one didn't move, staring at him without a sound. Dean took his head in his hands and kissed him with all the strengh left in his numb, frozen body. Cas didn't wait long before kissing him back, a hand gripping the back of his shirt, sending a soft warmth right in his heart.

Since that moment, they were always there for each other, always there to hold the other when life decided to be a bitch. Dean never yelled at Cas anymore, and Cas never cried for the person he loved anymore. They accepted each other's weaknesses, flaws and darkest parts. Since the moment they started to be together, everything changed. Their relationship evolved slowly and carefully but in the end, none of them would want to turn back to change the past.

 

 

And here he is, still with those wide open blue eyes in front of him, full of the same worry, of the same emotions. Dean lowers his head, plays with the golden ring he wears on his left hand. He knows the same shines on Cas' hand, memory of their life together. But how do you explain something as stupid as a simple dream?

 

Cas' voice wakes him up.

 

_\- Dean, I wouldn't bother you for nothing. That wasn't just a dream. You were terrified. I just want to help you..._

 

_-_ _I know...,_ answers Dean's low voice.

 

He sighs and finally raises his head again to look at Cas. A sudden tiredness takes him, and he feels so, so weary.

 

_\- It just... it felt too real. Like, for a moment it was my life, and I lived in that world and it was so awful and you-_

 

His voice breaks and Dean has to take a few deep breaths. Cas' eyes encourage him to continue.

 

_\- It was so fucking weird.. And it was not really different from the reality! I was always angry and hurt. Everything that I did... every choices I made were wrong. I was nothing... And I watched everyone I loved die, in a horrible way. They were taken from me, and I could never be with 'em again.. And Sam... and you... you..._

 

Dean feels the tears coming to his eyes, and tries to wipe them away with a shaking hand. He gets up suddenly, walking in circles in the room, his fingers gripping his hair nervously.

 

_\- Just... I'm tired of being like this all the freakin' time! How can you still be there!?_

 

Cas gets up and walks to him. He takes Dean in his arms, and this one puts his head on his shoulder. The same softness runs in his veins, eases his pain everytime Cas touches him, like he could heal all his shattered soul just by holding him. Dean needed him more than ever, and he knows he'll not be like this if that _one_ night didn't happen the way it did. What if they both have walked out of this bar and never talked again?

 

_\- Dean,_ Cas says with a tender voice, _stop thinking I'm gonna leave you suddenly. I'm there for you, and before everything, I'm your friend. You can talk to me, I'll listen. Always._

 

He passes a hand in Dean's hair, stroking him softly.

 

_\- Do you think you're the only one who needs someone? Because if so, you're totally wrong. I need you too. I'd be nothing if I didn't meet you, or I'd be really, really different... Seeing you like this... it kills me! I'm afraid you'll fall apart one day, and that I'd be useless, that I'll loose you. Do you understand?_

 

Dean nods against his chest, feeling Cas' bones under his cheek. These little words resonate inside him, bringing him back that fragile flame of hope, the one that had been blown away long ago. Cas is his anchor when he's lost into the wide, terrifying ocean.

 

Cas rocks him in his arm, the same way he did last night. Finally, Dean raises his head to look at him, and Cas puts a kiss on his lips that became salty of tears. He whispers softly against his mouth.

 

_\- You're my everything. And you can't tell me otherwise._

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

 

The rest of day passed without a problem, the hours as soft and silent as sand falling in a hourglass. Even if the clouds weren't totally gone and the sky was always made of different shades of grey, the sun was piercing though them, illuminating the trees on the horizon.

Dean was still wounded, and it will take weeks, months, maybe years to be over it. He doesn't know when he started to be that way, but the thing he's sure is that he can't spend his whole life like this. No matter what it would take, he'll be stronger than his cruel mind.

 

For now, he focuses on one thing: tonight.

 

Cas didn't remind him who were really gonna be there, but he knows there'll be friends and family. The ones he thought he lost in his dream. And there'll be Sam. He doesn't even remember the last time he saw him, and his heart jumps happily in his chest at this thought. He misses him, he realizes.

He can't stay calm now, and Cas smiles because of that excited, small tornado that Dean became in the past hours. He cleaned the whole house, opened all the windows to let some fresh air in. He let Cas cook, because he knew he'd probably set fire to the house just by touching a pan, or anything like that. Hey, being less pessimistic didn't mean he had to stop worrying about everything, no!?

 

Anyway, it was already 6 p.m and the sun began to decline. The skies were slowly colored by bright colors, taking the place of the dull black and grey before them. Dean lights up the last candle and sighs deeply. His back hurts and he feels like he was already in his 60's. But he's quite proud of how the house looks like, it feels pure and organized, but also warm and confortable. He even threw some wood in the fireplace and dark orange flames now crakles deeply, filling the room with a delicious heat.

He gives a look to Cas who is still busy making whipped cream for the pie. He can only see his back but he knows he's probably frowning right now, his eyes fixed on his task with concentration. Cas always wants to be seen at his best by their friends and Dean's family, and is always afraid of disappoint him. But he also enjoys that small events. Since all his family is either gone or living God knows where, he can only find some confort in these dinners.

 

Okay, and maybe cooking is his guilty pleasure and Dean can't deny he's really talented for it, like almost everything he does.

 

Cas put some music on their hi-fi system and Depeche Mode's soft basses fill the room. And Dean admits he may like it. Especially when Cas is humming softly the lyrics, with his low and deep voice that makes Dean shiver.

Dean walks to the kitchen without a noise and wraps his arms around Cas' chest, adding his own coarse voice to his. For a moment, their two voices resonate in the empty house, while the fire still sings happily behind them.

 

♪♫ _All I wanted, all I needed, is here in my arms... ♪♫_

 

Cas stops doing anything and leans his cheek against Dean's forehead, putting a hand on one of Dean's arm that is holding him. He closes his eyes and melts in that embrace. Dean uses this moment of weakness and tries to put a finger in the bowl of cream but his move is interrupted by a sudden slap.

 

_-_ _Hey, d_ _on't touch!_ says Cas, as he turns to look at Dean, ending pressed against his chest. He has to raise his head to stare at Dean is the eyes.

 

_\- Oh, c'mon pleaaase!_

 

Dean gives him his best puppy eyes, but Cas is still giving him a falsely angry look, while his lips draw a thin amused smile, and he'd just look like a disappointed mother who tries not to laugh.

If it doesn't work this way, then Dean will try another. He pulls Cas closer to him, letting his hands falling down on Cas' back. He leans so their lips are nearly touching, their hot breaths on each other's skin. He dives his eyes into Cas' blue ones and raises an eyebrow, asking Cas silently. This one observes his face silently and whispers.

 

_\- If you think it's gonna work-_

 

Dean quickly puts a finger in the bowl behind Cas and steps back, licking the sugary white cream, perfectly satisfied of himself. Cas points a spoon on him.

 

_\- I hate you._

 

Dean has a wide smile and leans to kiss Cas, who tastes the sugar on his lips. One of Dean's hand takes Cas hair on the back of his head, diving a bit more into that kiss.

 

_\- It's unfair_ , Cas murmurs.

 

- _I know_ , answers Dean, still smiling against Cas' mouth.

 

Cas pulls back gently, and gives Dean a small slap on his shoulder.

 

_\- Now, go take a shower and prepare yourself!_

 

Dean gives a look at Cas, who's already all nicely dressed with his blue shirt and black pants, his dark hair less wild than usual. Dean smiles again and starts walking to the corridor.

 

_\- Yeah mom, I'm gonna do that!_

 

Cas rolls his eyes and tries to kick him but Dean is faster, and walks in the stairs, nearly running.

 

_-_ _Love you too!_   he shouts while walking to the bedroom, and even from the kitchen Cas can feel the smile in his words.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

 

After taking a long and burning shower, Dean gets dressed quickly. He chose simple black pants and a white shirt, and some black shoes to finish. He opens a drawer and picks a tie. The emerald one, the one Cas gave him for one of his birthday. ' _Looks good with your eyes'_   he said.

Dean smiles at the memory of these words and stands in front of the mirror, struggling with the piece of green silk. Even if he feels clearly better, and his mind feels like a blue-without-a-cloud sky, his hands are still shaking like crazy.

 

He sighs deeply and gets out of the bedroom. He walks to the living room without a noise, and he doesn't know why but it feels like he did this since forever. Walking without being heard, always looking around him a few times... like he was... hunting.

Cas is sitting on one of their armchair made of old brown leather, a book in his hands. Despite the silent steps Dean makes, Cas still raises his head before he even enters the room. He gives him a look and smiles, visibly pleased of what he sees. Dean is so lost in his thoughts he doesn't even see it. He holds out the tie to him.

 

_\- Can you help me with this?_

 

Cas gets up and in one step, he's in front of him. He gently takes it from Dean's hands and puts in around his neck. As he slowly ties it, his eyes travel on Dean's face and stop to stare at him in the eyes.

 

_\- You look nervous._

 

Dean swings on his feet, ill-at-ease.

 

_\- Yeah, I don't know..._

 

_-_ _Always this dream bothering you?_   answers Cas with a soft smile as he smoothes out Dean's shirt.

 

Dean shruggs slightly and murmurs a small ' _hmm_ '. Cas tilts his head, his hands still on Dean's shoulder. After a few seconds of fighting against his mind, Dean finally blinks and dives his eyes into Cas', like they both love to. He passes a hand in his dark hair, observes these deep blue eyes he'd be lost without.

 

_\- In my dream you were an angel._

 

Cas grins and presses his lips softly against Dean's before he steps back and winks at him.

 

_\- And still one._

 

Before Dean could say anything, the sound of a car on the frozen snow can be heard outside. He turns to the window and a wild feeling takes his heart. Of course he's happy to see some familiar faces, but there's still this strange fear flowing in his veins. He breathes deeply and shuts his eyelids suddenly, trying to focus on his breathing.

The panic was starting to swallow him whole when Cas puts his hand on his shoulder, pressing it gently. A soft, fresh blue light seems to slowly chase the darkness away, like he was healing all his open wounds.

 

When he opens his eyes again, Cas is staring at him and the heavy burden sinking in his chest disappeared.

 

_-_ _It's gonna be ok,_ whispers Cas and you can see in his eyes he's truly honest.

 

He takes Dean's hand and the burning acid in Dean's throat is now totally gone. He gives Cas a smile and presses his hand back.

 

_-_ _And I prepared you a surprise_ , ads Castiel, illuminating the room with his bright smile.

 

_-_ _Should I be afraid?_ winces Dean before they start walking to the door, their fingers still tangled together.

 

_\- You trust me?_

 

_\- Of course but-_

 

_\- So shut your mouth and come with me!_

 

Cas opens the door and goes outside. The dark firs project shadows on the ground, as the sun is slowly setting behind them, small pale orb almost invisible in the sky.

The cold air hits Dean who shivers violently, shouting in his head threats to the sky. The clouds seem to raise their middle finger to him and the wind bites his skin under his thin shirt even more.

Dean mutters angrily when a clear voice pierce the silence of that late afternoon.

 

_\- Always acting like a grumpy old man, don't you?_

 

A huge black car is parked in front of their house, shining under the white light of the skies. It's a new luxurious model, with probably too much buttons on the inside. Not Dean's type at all.

 

A human tornado opened one of the doors and is now turning to face him. A smile grows on Dean's face. The short girl walks rapidly to him, her black dress and red sweater floating in the breeze. She suddenly takes Dean in her arms, her head resting on his chest. Dean wraps his arms around her, putting his chin on her bright red hair, enjoying the warmth emanating of her body.

 

_\- I missed you, Winchester_ , she whispers before she steps back.

 

Dean takes a moment to observe the little sister he never had.

 

_\- Hey, Charlie._

 

This one grins and punches him on the shoulder with enough strenght to makes Dean step back. She sticks out her tongue at him.

 

_\- Now, let me hug my bestie!_

 

She turns to Cas and gives him a tight hug, her small pale hands on the back of his dark shirt. He puts his head on her shoulder, slowly rocking her. Dean smiles when he hears someone slamming another door.

 

God, how many heart attacks will he have in one day?

 

Kevin walks to them, rolling his black eyes, looking exhausted. He passes a hand in his dark hair and Dean doesn't even wait for him to be close. He makes a step and takes the small boy in his arms, feeling his heart jumping in his chest.

Kevin stays a moment awkwardly motionless, quite surprised of that sudden embrace. He gives a look to Cas, who stands a few feets behind them. This one shruggs slightly, like it was a proper answer to Kevin's silent question. Finally the shorter man hugs Dean back, still in shock of that move of fondness coming from a person who is usually cold as ice.

Finally, they both step back, and Kevin gives Dean a slap on his arm. He points at the car behind him.

 

_\- Now someone help me because these two are arguing like an old married couple._

 

He gives a look to Dean then to Cas before he ads:

 

_\- No offense ok?_

 

A third person gets out of the car, grumbling angrily. Third heart attack for Dean. That would be a miracle if he's still alive at the end of the day. First because he didn't see all of them for months, and their faces feel like fog in his head, and then because of that damn dream. He saw them _dead_. And for him, for this cursed night, it was the reality. Seeing them like this, moved by anger or excitement, as their heart flutter in their chest like wild animals, it's simply strange. He can't get the bloody visions out of his brain, like they were forever inscribed in his soul.

 

Bobby slams the door and walks to them, soon followed by a fourth silhouette. His mask of anger disappears the minute he raises his head and sees Dean. A soft, warm emotion takes his place as he takes Dean in his arms in a tight hug, nearly breaking his ribs. Dean moves and tries to breathe as he pats gently the older man's shoulder. This one steps back and wipes discreetly his eyes before he puts another strong slap on Dean's shoulder.

Cas is now just behind him, and it's another thing Dean will never understand. He doesn't even need to turn to know he's there, he just _feels_ it. Like there was some kind of a strange aura around Cas, and everytime he was too close it electrified Dean's body, sending shivers on his skin. He felt it since they first met, and curiously, it never stopped even years after. He feels a soft warmth surrounding him when a voice Dean knows too well breaks the spell.

 

_\- Stop it or I'm gonna cry!_

 

The fourth person who was still silent until then unfortunately opened his mouth. A man with now rare brown-grey hair, all dressed in black from suit to his shiny shoes is standing in front of them, just behind Bobby who rolls his eyes, trying to stay calm.

Crowley takes off his sunglasses and gives Dean a look, raising an eyebrow. He gives Bobby a wink and this one looks like he's about to murder someone.

 

_\- But I didn't come to see your manly tears while I'm freezing like a bloody idiot._

 

Dean turns to Cas, who is smiling, really proud of himself.

 

_-_ _You didn't!_   whispers Dean under his breath.

 

_-_ _I did,_ answers Cas, grinning at the grey skies while Dean glowers at him.

 

Cas finally makes a step and illuminates the gloomy evening with his smile.

 

_\- I think we should go inside to wait for the others._

 

Crowley doesn't think twice and starts walking to the frontdoor. But before he can even reach it, Dean stops him.

 

_\- What is that!?_

 

He points at the thing Crowley is holding under his arm. It's as black as his clothes and none of them noticed the dog. It looks like a wolf, only it's really small and his fur is long. And it looks more like a fluffy, innocent ball than a dangerous, bloodthirsty predator.

The two dark wells of its eyes stare at him without blinking. Crowley sighs.

 

_\- In case you are blind, it's a dog. And he's mine._

 

Before Dean could even protest, he puts the animal against his chest and Dean has no other choice than holding it. Crowley steps back to the car and opens the trunk.

 

Dean grumbles and lifts the puppy to look at him in the eyes. The little thing barks gently and licks Dean's face carefully with his small pink tongue.

Dean is wincing and glowering at Crowley when he hears a muffled sound behind him. He turns back to see Charlie and Kevin silently laughing, holding their painful ribs. He gives Cas a look, sure he's probably joking about him too but this one is still silent, his blue eyes on him, full of tenderness. His look travel from Dean to the puppy, and his irises finally stop on Dean's, without saying a word. Dean is confused and raises an eyebrow to ask him.

Then he understands. Cas always wanted an animal, telling Dean it would 'bring some joy in the house'. But Dean never agreed. An animal? It gets everywhere, it only brings you problems. And what about the car!? They'd sure travel one day and Cas would never let the dog at home or to someone else, and Dean made a promise not a single animal would ever be in the Impala. Cas smiles at him and his eyes are almost imploring him.

 

_-_ _Don't even think of it!_ shouts Dean, who already knows he's gonna lose this battle.

 

_-_ _Too late_ , Cas whispers in return.

 

Dean rolls his eyes and opens the door, the puppy still pressed against his chest. Despite he's really tiny, he's quite heavy in his arms. Crowley closes carefully the trunk, like he was afraid the car would break into pieces if he was too violent, and comes back with two bottles of dark wine in his hands.

Dean enters the house and breathes in with relief when the soft warmth of the familiar walls surrounds him again. Cas is just behind him, followed by Charlie, Kevin, Bobby and Crowley.

 

They sit on the leather armchairs and Dean opens his arm to let the dog go. But instead of leaving, the thing curls up, buring his head against Dean's chest. Cas smiles even more, and even if Dean glowers at him, he can't help but like the feeling of that small life, that fragile heart beating against his.

He wasn't even seated for two freakin' minutes that the sound of another car can be heard outside. He sighs and gets up, always holding the tiny wolf who has fallen asleep and is now snoring loudly. He walks and opens the door again.

 

A pale golden car, looking quite new, is now parked next to Crowley's. He steps to the car, and he immediately feels Cas' aura next to him. He gives him a look, looking at his black hair the wind messed up, his bright blue eyes under the dull grey skies.

 

_\- Uncle Dean!_

 

Before he could even understand what's happening, a small tornado of blonde messy hair runs to him and two little arms are suddenly wrapped around his waist. Dean managed to not drop the dog and hugs the kid back. The girl suddenly raises her head and two huge blue-green eyes stare at him, so serious and so full of life at the same time. Dean squats to be at the same height as her.

 

_\- Hey Kate, how are you?_

 

The five year old makes a huge smile, discovering her missing teeth.

 

_\- 'm fine!_ she answers with her soft, kind of amused voice.

 

She was about to add something when her eyes stop on the puppy and widen suddenly, her mouth open with surprise. She puts a hesitant hand on the top of his head, her small fingers passing through the thick fur.

 

_\- Can I hold it?_   she asks shyly.

 

_\- Sure!_ answers Dean, as he puts the dog in her arms.

 

She takes him carefully, afraid she could hurt him, and hands up holding him like a newborn. She raises her head to thank Dean when she finally sees Cas, a few feets away. He walks to her and squats too, with a tender smile. Kate frees one of her arm that was under the dog to wrap it around Cas' neck, pressing her cheek against his.

 

_\- I missed you, Uncle Cas!_

 

_\- I missed you too, little angel_ , he answers, and the little girl grins at her nickname before she runs into the house.

 

The two men both get up and their heads turns when one of the door opens. A tall silhouette faces them and suddenly a smile breaks Dean's face. He controls himself to not run like an idiot, before he takes his brother in his arms with strengh. He grips the back of his jacket, like Sam could be only a mirage, another thing made by his mind.

But he's really here, gently patting his brother's shoulder while he smiles. It's been a long, really long time since they saw each other and it's hard to hold back the feelings moving their hearts. When they finally step back, you can see pure happiness in both of the brothers' eyes.

 

While they were greeting, the three last people get out of the car and now stands behind them, observing the scene with gentle smiles. Dean gives his brother a last slap on his back, and walks to the guests.

He first gives a hug to Jessica, and it's quite awkward because of her rond, huge belly. Dean wonders if Kate will have a sister or a brother, and how she or he will look like. Maybe this time it would be the father's brown hair and the mother's gentle eyes. He smiles back at her when she presses his fingers in her hand, where a thin silver ring shines.

 

When she steps back, Dean's heart misses a beat. Seriously, how can feelings make a simple muscle full of blood react this way? There must be something that's beyond us, something science could never explain.

Because when Dean sees his two parents in front of him, all bright eyes and wide smiles, he's sure fire now runs through his veins. The very sight of them awaked something in him, a soft emotion he's not very used to.

 

_Happiness_.

 

They both walk to him, their hands tied together. Their faces are still young, even if some discreet silver ribbons can be seen on their hair. His mother is the first to take him in her arms, her head on Dean's pounding heart. She holds him tight, and he does the same, holding on that soft scent, these delicious memories that come like waves on his mind.

She steps back and takes Dean's face in her hands, observing it with mother eyes: pride, affection, attention and of course, a shadow of worry. The kind of eyes that can dive into your soul to search the answers you can't find by yourself. For her, Dean is an open book, ready to be read, ready to be caressed and protected. She strokes tenderly his hair, like she used to do when he was still a child.

 

_\- I'm proud of you, my little boy._

 

Her love is like a burning red sun in the horizon: nearly blinding but yet so beautiful. Dean smiles at her and turns to his father.

 

Despite his tired eyes, he's still full of strengh as he gives Dean a 'manly' hug that nearly break his bones. They both had hard times together and their bond has been as fragile as glass. But it's over now, and they both understand and respect each other, going beyond their differences. Someone who didn't know them could think they were cold to each other, but in reality, that's just the way they were. Every love is different, and doesn't always need much words. Some forms of love could never be understood.

While Dean was stuck in that sudden embrace, Mary walked to Cas and took him as well in a warm hug. She always liked him and trusted him the second she met him. To use her own words, she found him 'so adorable'. Well, that was the same effect for everyone: you see him, you immediately love him.

The only exception was for John, who didn't accept it very easily but with time, he finally get used to it and is now completely ok with it. He shakes Cas' hand and even if the air is a bit colder around them, memory of the rage they felt against each other, nothing happens and John even gives him a smile.

 

Dean invites his parents to follow him, as well with Sam who holds Jess by her waist. They all get in the house, and before Cas enters it Dean takes his hand suddenly, pressing it gently. His blue eyes dive into Dean's, and a breeze of affection blows on Dean. His smile speaks silent words, calming Dean's tortured soul.

 

It's sure gonna be one hell of an evening.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

It's a weird thing.

 

You can feel bad for months, feeling like you fell one day and never get up after. That you hit the ocean floor, watching all this sea of sorrow surrounding you. Like you'll never feel the sun on your skin again.

And yet, there are some soft flashes behind your heavy eyelids, surprising you from time to time. You can't explain them, and you're kind of afraid. These emotions taking your heart violently, they seem almost foreign to you, like it was the first you felt this way. Because after all this time, your forgot them, your forgot what it was like to be something else than just numb...

They get bigger and bigger each day, until you realize. That this hole inside your chest is now filled with millions of bright stars.

 

Dean is staring at all his friends warming up the house and he feels all this small galaxy moving inside him. His anxiety flew away like a bird in the night, and he now feels so good he can't actually truly believe it.

The evening passed without a problem, all laughs and warm smiles. They were sitting in the salon, all holding a glass of dark red wine. It feels like a bitter, soft poison flowing in Dean's throat, invading his mind, making his thoughts so slow, so light...

Usually not his kind of drink, but he can't deny he thinks it doesn't taste that bad. Fortunately, Crowley didn't try to kill them all and drinking the wine is perfectly safe. Dean gives the guests another look, from Charlie, Kevin and Crowley laughing way too far to be really sober, to his parents, Bobby, Jess and Cas talking happily in front of the fireplace.

 

At some point of the evening, Sam comes to him, walking so silently even Dean didn't hear him. He had the same strange thing, to move without a noise for no real reason. Maybe that was a memory of when their dad took them hunting the deers in the forest, and they could nearly breathe while they were observing the animals.

Sam smiles at him and puts down the glass of ruby-red liquid he barely touched. He leans against the sink, his shoulder against Dean's.

 

_\- It's a nice evening, don't you think?_

 

Dean nods. He went to the kitchen to take some other drinks out of the fridge but he stayed there since then, incapable of taking his eyes off his family that brought a soft warmth in his cold heart. He feels Sam looking at him, as well with the question floating around him. Sam clears his throat. Dean feels like he's not gonna like what he's about to ask.

 

_\- Dean... are you alright?_

 

Dean sighs deeply. He hates this question, because he doesn't even know himself. Is he doing great or is it just an illusion? Is he really on the path to the light or will he fall again soon? He passes a hand in his hair then lowers his head to start playing with the silky tie.

 

_\- Listen... I don't know. For now, I'm fine, ok? I'm feelin' better. But I'm scared that... that's not gonna last._

 

His voice is slightly breaking. He's not used to talk about how he feels, and words cannot explain what's raging inside him. Especially when his emotions are a complete mystery for him.

 

_\- Sam... just trust me, ok? I've felt bad, I know what's like, so I'd know if I was still like this. Just... believe me._

 

Dean stops talking, waiting for an answer. And yet, Sam's still silent, and only his short breaths can be heard over the loud conversations of the rest of the group. Dean finally glances at him and his heart stops for a second when he sees Sam's eyes bright of tears.

 

_-_ _Wha-_ _what did I say?_   asks Dean, feeling like whatever he says, it always ends bad.

 

Sam wipes his eyes discreetly, then turns his head to stare at Dean.

 

_\- Nothing, it's just that... it's the first time you tell me the truth._

 

_\- Oh._

 

Dean lowers his head, suddenly feeling really awkward. And kind of guilty. Because Sam's totally right. He always lied to his brother, and never wanted to say how he really felt. To avoid making Sam worried? To avoid feeling like a burden? To avoid thinking about it? No one knows. Opening his heart, let other people see his worst demons, was almost a torture for him.

 

_\- I'm sorry..._

 

Sam puts a hand on his shoulder and pats in gently. His previous emotions disappeared and a soft smile is now painted on his face.

 

_\- I'm glad you finally decided to talk to me._

 

_\- Don't get used to it!_ answers Dean as he slaps his brother on his back.

 

Sam grins at him and forces him to go back to the salon. Cas gives them a look and smile kindly at that sweet vision of the two brothers together.

 

Friends, and family are like wine. They seem a bit too strong and violent sometimes, and yet the beauty of their souls can erase all your wounds in a second. Everybody says they'll kill you some day, that they'll only drag you down slowly. But maybe it's just coming from the ones who didn't have the chance to taste the liquor of their golden hearts?

 

Maybe they're right. But right now, Dean never wanted to be sober again.

 

 

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

 

 

Dean is on the balcony, his hands on the smooth cold wood.

 

He dives into the eyes of the night, searching for all its secrets. Who knows what could be hidding under the trees, all the creatures that could observe him in this very moment, their glowing yellow irises like fireflies in the forest? It's a thought that could make anyone shiver, but Dean didn't want to run away from the night. He learned how not to be afraid of it, he learned to embrace it. And more than this, he prefers the night, when all the misery of the day is covered by a soft and heavy coat without flaws.

He chose to forget about this damn nightmare. Because this evening was a proof that the fiction he was living inside his head was a lie he made it all himself. This dream opened his eyes, showing him he worried too much, always expecting the worst to come, while he was missing his real life.

It will take some time, because you can't change your mind suddenly, just like you couldn't built a city in one day after it collapsed. But he's more than an unfortunate soul caged inside a prison of flesh and bone, and he's definitely not the slave of his own mind, not anymore.

 

He observes the pale surface of the lake shining under the full moon, huge blinding orb in the dark skies. The trees are slowly pushed by a cold breeze but it doesn't bother Dean, who appreciates the fresh caress the wind lets on his skin.

Everyone is asleep now, since the house got too many bedrooms, there were enough room for all of them. Dean wanted to have a moment alone to breathe, even if he appreciated a lot this evening. He's tired and his eyelids are starting to close, heavy of sleep and alcohol, and he has to blink a few times to stay awake.

 

Something moves behind him, and the atmosphere is not empty anymore, filled with a bright blue aura. Cas takes his hand, tangling their fingers together, putting his head on Dean's shoulder. The same familiar warmth surrounds Dean and his loneliness is just a distant memory.

They both stare at the horizon and all the stars shine above them. Dean put his own head on Cas', praying the skies he'll never go. Their hearts beat slowly as one, without pain, without sorrow.

 

 

And maybe the creatures with the golden eyes hiding in the woods feel their souls collide, breaking against each other, beautiful and violent like lightning hitting the ground. Maybe they see the tenderness in their smiles. Maybe they see these two persons who were meant to be together, beyond all the rules of the Universe, beyond everything they believed.

Because love cannot be explained.

It's a fire, it's a sea, it's a storm.

It's a force no human on Earth will ever understand. You can try to catch it, but like clear water it'll pass through your fingers and escape. But in the darkest times, when you think you're all alone and all hope is gone, that small light will appear again. Maybe at the wrong time, in the wrong place and maybe you'll not see it. Maybe you'll try to deny it, to fight against what's raging your heart, because of that damn pride you're too stupid to swallow. And if you don't accept it, it'll either run away, or it'll destroy you.

 

Dean gives a look at Cas, whose eyes are almost white under the moon. He turns to him and Dean kisses him, and the nature stops breathing in front of the beauty of these two souls, going way beyond the purety of all the stars up above.

 

 

Maybe the creatures with the golden eyes see the wings as dark as the night, their shadows on the walls.

 

Maybe they see their strong, sharp feathers shivering under the cold wind of October, while an emerald and a sapphire soul fly around the two men, like bright northern lights.

 

Maybe they see those strong wings protecting the man who didn't think he deserved to be saved....

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is the end! After more than a month of writing, it's finally done!  
> Tell me what you think about, or if you have some questions! Thanks to whoever read it! :)
> 
> PS: just to let you know, when I started writing, I thought it'd be around 6k words and only one chapter, like I usually do. Well, let's say I went waaay beyond my limits! :D


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